On Tuesday night Scott is staying over and as we go to bed I’m going through my new routine which started a few weeks ago and I like very much now and if I don’t do it I won’t sleep well, and it involves the following sequence of events: I put my left earplug in – I start yawning – As I yawn I put my right earplug in.
However, Scott starts talking to me halfway through and I have to reply (or ignore him) so he ruins my sequence and then I have to do it all over again. I don’t mind doing it all over again of course, apart from Scott asks what I’m doing and I have to explain and then he starts shouting at me that I’m crazy, so I leave the room to do my earplug thing and then come back.
Also he doesn’t let me punch my pillows a few times before I lie down (as I’m used to doing) because he thinks this is another habit that I need to cut off and this pisses me off, because he really doesn’t understand how my brain operates and that I can’t help it.
On Wednesday morning I’m sitting on the couch having my cereal and I’m watching this morning chat show on Greek TV and the topics they discuss are: who will represent Greece in the Eurovision Song Contest next year, the possible name of the unborn child of some pregnant Greek TV presenter, the male celebrities with the best abdominal muscles in Greece. Then they show a video of the male celebrities with the best abdominal muscles in Greece and I want to pretend that it doesn’t affect me, but it does, it stresses me quite a lot. I do not exactly panic about this but I throw the rest of my cereal away and decide to never have them again. I also need to get a spray tan.
Later in the day I’m thinking about how I started writing this blog. I’m not sure I’ve mentioned this before on here, but initially about 2.5 years ago (right after I came out) I started writing a weekly email with everything I had got up to and sending it to a few close friends.
As I said I was new to the gay scene / world then, and everything I ever did was go out clubbing, meet people and sleep with them and generally have any fun I could get my hands on. I think I was trying to cram in everything that I hadn’t done in the previous 25 years. I called these emails Chapter 1, Chapter 2, etc and gave them descriptive titles inspired by Friends, such as “Chapter 15: The One With The Park Fun”, “Chapter 24: The One With A New Low”, etc.
There are 50 of those emails and I’ve saved all of them, thinking that I might be interested to read them some time.
Well on Wednesday, the time comes and I decide to go back and have a look at some of them. The writing style is not too dissimilar to this blog, albeit a lot rougher and more immature (it’s possible). What really strikes me though is that I’m ashamed of the person that I was then and if I met somebody like that now I would probably not want to hang out with them.
It’s a description of a pointless existence trying to find God knows what and caring about nothing. I still care about nothing, but my nihilism is informed and my relative amorality has an underlying conscience which was then lacking. I guess the main reasons why this change has happened are: a) everyone behaves like that when they first come out but then they tire of it (?) and b) my sickness last year forced some sense into me.
In any case, I’m really not trying to take the high ground here or pass criticism on anyone who prefers that lifestyle. But I think that at the moment I’m much happier having a more pedestrian life and I am very far away of the mindframe that possesses you to set your alarm for 0430 on a Sunday morning to go clubbing, or try to arrange 3 dates within the same evening or choose relationships on who has the highest income.
I’m just going to include an extract from those emails for you to see what I’m talking about, and even though I’m not really proud about sharing these I might possibly post more in the future if I feel like it.
“Friday 2030: I have arranged to meet American guy called xxx. XXX turns up, I instantly think no. Anyway, we go for drinks and chat - XXX is quite interesting, he works in XXX, so he has a few stories to tell.
Soon, he invites me back home. I tell him that he's a nice guy, but I’m not feeling a sexual connection there, so no thanks.
XXX freaks out a bit: "this has never happened to me before, what's wrong with me, etc". I tell him it's not you, it's me and suggest we go for another drink to calm him down. We go to a bar, and then Aussie XXX turns up who has plans to go to Fiction.
Meanwhile, American XXX gets a bit freaky and starts offering me money to sleep with him. I think he must be joking but he's actually being serious. I tell him £500 if he wants. XXX makes an offer of £300. I say no. I promise this conversation is serious (he's not joking) and it goes on for quite a while!
XXX goes home (with his cash), I go to Fiction with Aussie XXX.
Fiction sucks big time. It's the usual crowd of girls/girly boys/no muscly people. Despite ___ that I ___ on the way there, it's still no fun and I go home at 0200.
Saturday 1300: I meet XXX for lunch – old XXX from Chapter 15, not XXX from last week who we don't like anymore. Old XXX is an ___, which didn't go anywhere but he's still a nice guy to have as a friend.
Saturday pm: I go home, have a rest, go to bed at 2230.
Sunday 0500: I get up, have arranged to meet XXX outside Beyond. In Beyond the following things happen:
- Everyone is there, it's fun. I hang out mostly with XXX and XXX. Unfortunately XXX ___ ___ ___ and passes out, which puts a downer on the night for a while. He's taken to a private room and sleeps it off
- I ___
- Some guy comes up to me and gives me a necklace “from the jewellery he designs himself”. I lose this item somewhere in the club later
Sunday 1100: Beyond closes and most people move on to club called Later (1100 to 1700). In Later, the following things happen:
- I go there with XXX and XXX's friend XXX, who's 38 or something and a huge, muscle steroid freak but really nice
- I finish ___
- At one point, I share ___ with a guy called XXX in the toilets and we ___ mainly because ___
- I decide to leave the club around 1530
Sunday 1600: I go home after chilling with XXX and XXX for a bit. There, I organise for a guy who lives in XXX to comes around to my place and ___. I also ask him to bring round some headache pills, because I’ve run out. The guy turns up but he's not like his pictures at all. At least he's got the pills. I don't like him, so I tell him I'm really tired and pretend to fall asleep, so the guy leaves. I'm not sure what his name is”
And after reading all this I am quite positive that I would much rather spend all the weekends until Christmas sitting at home, watching TV alone.
I have 1 song by Dead Or Alive and I've played it 13 times
I have 1 song by Dead Prez and I've played it 1 time
I have 1 song by Dean Martin and I've played it 11 times