So on Saturday I wake up at 0815 and go to the office to spend the day there, supervising some workmen in return for a day’s holiday. I don’t really go online but I spend the time alternating between the Official Preppy Handbook and American Psycho and also writing an article for the London Paper, for their daily columnist feature.
This is a feature where they publish 400 words written by a random reader, and you don’t win anything for it apart from some self-satisfaction, the admiration and envy of your colleagues in the office who’ll read it on the way home, plus the opportunity for a few thousand Londoners to step on your name and picture when somebody has discarded the free paper in a gutter outside Tottenham Court Road tube station.
A surefire way to get your article published is to a) make it very London-specific and b) attack some innocent demographic that you have decided – irrationally – to vent your rage at. So I write 400 words on why everyone living outside Zone 1 should fuck off and never come to central London again, and I build up to a crescendo implying that maybe we should build a wall around Zone 1 to keep those people out. I can already see that maybe my sentiment is a bit too strong even for the London Paper, but I will publish my article on here if they don’t pick it up.
On Saturday I also go to my Chelsea footballer body double casting. Yes, that’s right, they’re shooting a TV advert featuring Chelsea footballers and because they probably can’t be arsed to do it themselves, they’re employing body doubles. I can’t decide which Chelsea footballer has a similar body to me, but I don’t think that matters very much. I don’t know…Joe Cole maybe? He’s around the same height anyway.
So I go to the casting which takes place on a football pitch in some sports centre in West London and the following things happen:
For the first 15 minutes nobody’s there and I’m hanging around on my own, thinking that this is some kind of joke and what the hell are they thinking, I could be at home watching TV right now instead.
Then people start arriving (including the casting director and her team) and here is what we know about the other candidates: They are a very diverse crowd. Some tall people, some short people, some white people, some black people. So I presume we’re body doubling for a number of different players. Also the football skills vary a lot, but I am most certainly the worst in the crowd.
This doesn’t seem to matter a lot though, because we are asked to take our shirts off and do all the activities (Polaroid shots, digitals shots, being filmed given a short interview, being filmed dribbling through an obstacle course, making some shots at an empty goal) half naked. Even though I am the worst at football I have the most worked out body, so it depends on what they’re looking for really.
Also even though the brief was to turn up in short shorts, most people have turned up in knee length shorts so they make them roll them up / pull them down / generally be a lot more naked. Thankfully I have turned up in size-extra-small / barely-covering-my-arse H&M swimming shorts (picture below), which the casting director congratulates me on, so if that doesn’t give me the edge by saying “I’ll do anything to get this gig”, I don’t know what will.
Seriously though, I have no chance in hell of getting selected for this – I even refused to attempt any juggling the ball, simply because I can’t do it. They will be insane to employ somebody who’s never touched a football in his life to stand in for a Premiership footballer regardless of all the smart editing they do.
Anyway, on Sunday Scott and I wake up and then we go and meet Anthony at Apostrophe, where we all have hot chocolate and play out. You may remember Anthony and his chest from the time we went to DTPM with him, here. Anthony is living abroad for work and just visiting for the weekend. I can’t tell you what job he does, but he finishes next year and is coming back to the UK to live, and we have agreed that he will then teach me the following skills:
- How to shoot people
- How to polish my shoes to achieve a mirror effect
- How to go hunting
Make your own conclusions.
Finally, this is what I’m wearing at Apostrophe on Sunday: another disgusting combination of green and pink.
I have 5 songs by the Dandy Warhols and I've played them 25 times
I have 1 songs by Dangerous Muse and I've played it 4 times
I have 5 songs by the Daniel Beddingfield and I've played them 37 times