FIRST HERE’S A REMINDER TO ENTER THE BEST LOOKING READER 2007 (BLR 07) COMPETITION, IN ORDER TO WIN SUCH AMAZING PRIZES AS FREE SEX, A PERSONAL TRIBUTE AND £10. TO ENTER SEE DETAILS HERE.
THERE ARE SOME GOOD ENTRIES SO FAR, BUT PLEASE KEEP SENDING THEM IN. DON'T BE SCARED. Also there is a great entry so far too, but it's a fake one so it won't win. I'm not that stupid.
So for the millionth time, Matty, Mean and Ace are my friends and collectively known as the Lads. As you know Matty has been going out with Nicole for, what? 5 years now? 7? 32? Something like that. Inevitably, they will get married sooner or later, so it’s only wise for all of us to start preparing for this event right about now, really.
Of course the most important role in any wedding is that of the best man (give or take a bride, groom, couple’s parents, bridesmaids, etc), so on Tuesday, Mean and I have a conversation trying to assess who would be best suited for that position. The contestants are the rest of the Lads of course, plus a dark horse of a candidate, this guy called Campo who’s a friend of Matty’s from University (i.e. he pre-dates all of us).
Incidentally, Matty has not been involved in this conversation at all, hasn’t had any input, hasn’t come up with the list of potential best men, and isn’t even aware that he’s getting married as far as I know.
In any case, here’s the assessment of each candidate (alphabetically of course).
Brief overview: Currently living with Matty and Kate. Inflated sense of self-worth. Plays middle class, socially confident role well. Desired self image of expert opera / French literature knowledge very dubious amongst his friends, but can pull wool over eyes of non-perceptive wedding guests.
Pros: Middle England. Public speaking a gift. Looks ridiculous in real life but OK in white tie.
Cons: Pompous demeanour may just be crossing the line even for such an event.
Brief overview: The nickname says it all. Former prep school, one of the boys, went to Uni with Matty so has advantage of tales full of hockey japes and student craziness. Bound to have silly braying accent. We’re scared of this guy because we don’t know much about him.
Pros: A Matty clone. Good stories definitely. Likely to be drunk 10 minutes in (that’s a good thing)
Cons: Stag night bound to be lame
Odds: 5/2 (favourite)
Brief overview: Too alternative. Foreign, gay, just plain wrong. Only previous interaction with Matty’s parents was when they visited the house we used to share. Blood starts running from my nose while I’m talking to his Mum (following excessive night). Dad picks up dog for photo opportunity and drops it on its head while I’m taking the picture.
Pros: Bride and groom like me. Able to write a good speech
Cons: Unable to deliver speech in comprehensible accent to 55-year-old Conservative voters (the wedding’s largest group). Too short – will look like the couple’s little cousin. Brings male date.
Brief overview: Former public school, but not through money or status, through scholarship / actual merit (i.e. doesn’t count). Can only maintain civil public persona for a limited period of time. Will start sulking / falling out with people shortly after.
Pros: Can match the couple on height. Used to presenting to large crowds.
Cons: Too angry. A time bomb waiting to go off. Can’t fake it in social occasions. Bound to fall out with Matty’s Mum the night before. Mixed race (will not go down well with conservative crowds).
I have1 song by Dopplereffekt and I've played it 4 times
I have 1 song by the Doves and I've played it 8 times
I have 2 songs by Dragonette and I've played them 6 times