Wednesday, 31 October 2007

Wednesday 31/10/07


THERE ARE SOME GOOD ENTRIES SO FAR, BUT PLEASE KEEP SENDING THEM IN. DON'T BE SCARED. Also there is a great entry so far too, but it's a fake one so it won't win. I'm not that stupid.

So for the millionth time, Matty, Mean and Ace are my friends and collectively known as the Lads. As you know Matty has been going out with Nicole for, what? 5 years now? 7? 32? Something like that. Inevitably, they will get married sooner or later, so it’s only wise for all of us to start preparing for this event right about now, really.

Of course the most important role in any wedding is that of the best man (give or take a bride, groom, couple’s parents, bridesmaids, etc), so on Tuesday, Mean and I have a conversation trying to assess who would be best suited for that position. The contestants are the rest of the Lads of course, plus a dark horse of a candidate, this guy called Campo who’s a friend of Matty’s from University (i.e. he pre-dates all of us).

Incidentally, Matty has not been involved in this conversation at all, hasn’t had any input, hasn’t come up with the list of potential best men, and isn’t even aware that he’s getting married as far as I know.

In any case, here’s the assessment of each candidate (alphabetically of course).


Brief overview: Currently living with Matty and Kate. Inflated sense of self-worth. Plays middle class, socially confident role well. Desired self image of expert opera / French literature knowledge very dubious amongst his friends, but can pull wool over eyes of non-perceptive wedding guests.

Pros: Middle England. Public speaking a gift. Looks ridiculous in real life but OK in white tie.
Cons: Pompous demeanour may just be crossing the line even for such an event.

Odds: 100/1


Brief overview: The nickname says it all. Former prep school, one of the boys, went to Uni with Matty so has advantage of tales full of hockey japes and student craziness. Bound to have silly braying accent. We’re scared of this guy because we don’t know much about him.

Pros: A Matty clone. Good stories definitely. Likely to be drunk 10 minutes in (that’s a good thing)
Cons: Stag night bound to be lame

Odds: 5/2 (favourite)

London Preppy

Brief overview: Too alternative. Foreign, gay, just plain wrong. Only previous interaction with Matty’s parents was when they visited the house we used to share. Blood starts running from my nose while I’m talking to his Mum (following excessive night). Dad picks up dog for photo opportunity and drops it on its head while I’m taking the picture.

Pros: Bride and groom like me. Able to write a good speech
Cons: Unable to deliver speech in comprehensible accent to 55-year-old Conservative voters (the wedding’s largest group). Too short – will look like the couple’s little cousin. Brings male date.

Odds: 33/1


Brief overview: Former public school, but not through money or status, through scholarship / actual merit (i.e. doesn’t count). Can only maintain civil public persona for a limited period of time. Will start sulking / falling out with people shortly after.

Pros: Can match the couple on height. Used to presenting to large crowds.
Cons: Too angry. A time bomb waiting to go off. Can’t fake it in social occasions. Bound to fall out with Matty’s Mum the night before. Mixed race (will not go down well with conservative crowds).

Odds: 50/1

I have1 song by Dopplereffekt and I've played it 4 times
I have 1 song by the Doves and I've played it 8 times
I have 2 songs by Dragonette and I've played them 6 times


seahorse said...

haha...brilliant. well said. Good analysis it seems u have made.

definitely brightened up my mood for rest of the miserable day.

Jon C said...

How tall are you?

Trybaby said...

Are you closer to Matty/Nicole than this Campo? I'm thinking you are, you might just get it, also being a mild celebrity doesn't hurt your chances. Do you want to get married eventually? If you do then you can do a trade. If you get to be his best man then he can be yours? If he picks you it can only reflect well on his personality because he is so open minded.

Today at work, are people dressed up? Did you dress up? Pictures are obviously required if you are. Also are you going to attend any homosexual parties?

PS I found some pictures you might enjoy.
( :click to enlarge: )

[I hope that my costume will make me look half as good as those boys do in the second link, ah Evandro what would I do with out him?]

tyler said...

"campo" means road in spanish. is this dude a latino? if so, he'd have to be counted out as a foreigner, right?
height: yours....ring barer (bearer), maybe? but you'd have to wear navy wool short pants and a white short sleeved boys school uniform shirt with spectator saddle shoes.

Tim in Italy said...

I suppose the question is, who can put together the best stag party? You know, something that won't resemble a scene out of Hollyoaks. God knows, gay boys know how to party, but this is one of those mysterious straight rituals involving the "P" word. And we all know how ridiculous that can be.

London Preppy said...

jon: I'm 5'8". Matty and Nicole are both a proud 6'0"

trybaby: I couldn't answer your question I'm afraid. This Campo trades on mystery you see and I don't know too much about him

tyler: No, Campo is not Latino. I suppose his nickname makes more sense if you're British. He's just a posh middle class boy. Perfect for this wedding. The ring bearer could definitely be an alternative for me, as I'm determined to be part of this wedding, even disguised as a schoolboy

tim: This question has already come up actually, and I have promised to put together the best stag day/night/48 hour bender (after consultation with numerous straight guys of course)

Bobby Vanquish said...

You said: "The ring bearer could definitely be an alternative for me, as I'm determined to be part of this wedding."

London P... did you not go to private school?! You, the ring bearer...?

I mean, where does one even begin with the jokes??

"Oi - you got the ring, LP?"
"Yeah, mate don't worry - I'm right behind you..."

Come to think of it though, those conservative types love to revert to schoolboy humour at any opportunity.

My friends and I joke that the time at our private institution was all about bad food, cold showers and sodomy. The only difference is that I turned it into a lifestyle choice.

"LP, hows the ring?"
"LP, I'm worried this ring may be a little tight..."
etc. etc.

I think this is going to be the headline that just keeps on giving...