I take the tube back home and I’m reading one of the crappy free newspapers and I see that they have an interview with Martin Johnson. I don’t expect you to know who Martin Johnson is, so let me tell you that he’s an England rugby player that used to be in the team that won England the Rugby World Cup four years ago by fluke (just like Greece won Euro 2004, but I should stop talking about sport because I’ve lost all of you by now I’m sure), and now he’s retired.
And here’s a picture of Martin Johnson.
So I read the Martin Johnson interview not because he’s hot or because I have an interest in him (he’s not and I don’t), but because who knows, he might mention Josh Lewsey or Ben Cohen or something. And as I read I realize how full of clichés it is and how it’s difficult to believe anything that he actually says.
Just like every sportsman in the history of the world ever being interviewed, he tries to go for a clean cut/masculine/I hang out with the lads but I take my job very seriously/I better not say anything controversial because kids look up to me-type of image. So they all come across boring as fuck and a bit thick.
So Martin Johnson lets us know that:
- he prefers nights in to nights out
- he likes beer and wine but it’s a cup of tea most of the time
- he’s a big steak and chips man but he loves his fruit and veg too
- he listens to rock music from 1982
- he travels on public transport just like the rest of us
As I read this I get a bit nauseous from al the testosterone surrounding Martin, but then I think that maybe I’m being a bit harsh and it’s actually very difficult to be honest or interesting or controversial in any kind of interview.
And I go back home and look at the interview I gave to AXM in the September issue and I realize I must also come across as full of shit and completely insincere, and trying to live up to an image.
Martin Johnson wants to be the only 6’7”, 119kg (262lbs) rugby player in the world who likes to stay at home in the evenings knitting and I want to be the only naked, seemingly amoral ripped guy on a magazine cover who’s very introverted.
But then I read my interview more carefully and it occurs to me that actually everything I say is true and I’m not comfortable with the idea of being there naked and yes, I am quite shy and I don’t like to have my clothes off and I don’t even stand naked in the changing room in the gym, instead I dry myself and put on my underwear in the shower cubicle and then walk back and wear the rest of my clothes.
So maybe Martin Johnson is being honest too and he does prefer a cup of tea to 16 pints of lager and I’m just being a judgmental twat.
And here are a couple more pictures of Ben Cohen and Josh Lewsey so that we don’t forget that some people should never be shy and are better off permanently naked.
I have 1 song by Cars and I’ve played it 68 times
I have 5 songs by Carter USM and I’ve played them 22 times
I have 7 songs by Cassius and I’ve played them 45 times