The obvious reaction for a gay guy watching this is to think, oh my God they are so fit and sexy and all this straight boy laddishness is turning me on and phwoar wouldn’t I want to be in those communal showers etc.
You could also comment on the homosexual undertones of their interaction (in some cases overtones actually – particularly at the moment when they are mutually wanking each other), but I don’t really want to play that gay game, where we have to suspect every straight man as being gay. Some people are straight and that’s the end of it, you know? They are drunken rugby playing lads, this is what drunken rugby playing lads do.
Anyway, what I’m most impressed by is the sheer confidence they handle themselves with. These people do not have any insecurities, they don’t stay up all night thinking about a negative comment their boss made to them and they certainly don’t need 15mg of Valium to get a good night’s sleep.
The Alpha Male of this Alpha Male group is Tim. Throughout the video everyone is talking about Tim, comparing themselves to Tim and wanking Tim (both literally and metaphorically). We are told a lot about Tim’s “massive member” and we also get to see it a lot.
Please look at Tim walking out of the shower around the 15 second mark and see how he’s strutting in full-blown confidence in all his naked glory. Just look at the walk he walks, it’s amazing. It really doesn’t matter that he can’t spell “self-doubt”, because he will never ever need to use these words.
This is the guy that I would like to be ideally. But I guess tortured, bitter and alone is also good.
Anyway, let’s turn to the people who write in to the rubbish free London papers now and see what they’ve had to say over the last couple of weeks.
Chris from Islington tells us: “Shop workers aren’t snotty – we just have to put up with one arrogant customer after another, without biting our lips so hard we draw blood!”
I tell Chris: Ooh! Get you Chris! You’re a bit dramatic, aren’t you babes? Calm down dear, you’ll get wrinkles. Now go back to folding that scarf.
Andrea McLean from SW17 tells us: “Tradesmen rock! You guys were the only ones that gave up their seats when I was pregnant”
I tell Andrea McLean from SW17: Yes Andrea, all tradesmen have generous, giving souls, all office workers are sinister and evil, all hookers have kind, golden hearts and you live in a bloody Charles Dickens novel from 1843.
“Rah” from Farrington EC1 tell us: “Why do people who get seats first on a crowded train always fight those that stand the whole way to get off first?”
I tell “Rah” from Farrington EC1: “Rah”. Put that spliff down, turn off Bob Marley on your cassette player and you might get somewhere faster too.
Sarah from Essex tells us: “Mentally prepared to go to the gym and someone on train eating chips. Bugger”
I tell Sarah from Essex: Sarah. I’m not one to judge (shut up) but you sound fat. Tomorrow: Sarah is mentally prepared to go for a swim and changes her mind after spotting someone drinking a pint. The day after: Sarah is mentally prepared to run the marathon and pulls out after stepping on a chicken nugget by mistake. Get off your arse!
White Laura from London tells us: “Have other women noticed a recent upsurge in white men barging into them or shouldering them aside in central London?”
I tell White Laura from London: God, aren’t people weird. Who knows what race issues Laura has to motivate her to write in a newspaper with a rant and mention skin colour twice in 22 words. Alright love we get it – you got your revenge on Dad by getting knocked up by that black guy from school when you were 17. No one else cares.
“And” from E17 tells us: “To the lady who ran after me with my scarf and gent who got off the last train at Blackhorse Road to return my phone – thank you. Who says Londoners are nasty?”
I tell “And” (what is it with these stupid names?) from E17: Firstly stop dropping your shit around London hoping strangers will come and talk to you. Secondly, I wouldn’t be so happy love, you live in Walthamstow. You’ll probably get stabbed for your phone once you get off the train.
Helena from North London tells us about Kate Moss and her dress: “I was angry at the wanton destruction of that poor dress. When charities are appealing for clothes to send to Africa, it is unsettling that someone rich enough to wear something so beautiful should care so little about it”
I tell Helena from North London: Dear Birkenstock lesbian. You’re right. We should strip Kate Moss naked and send her dress to Africa for people to eat. You’ve solved all of the planet’s problems. And you thought all that you would achieve today was that tasty leek and beetroot soup you made for lunch.
Oh yeah and here's another shirtless picture, as I'm sure there's a greater interest in abs for the average person than reading all this above.
I have 5 songs by Client and I’ve played them 19 times
I have 2 songs by Clor and I’ve played it 4 times
I have 1 song by Club 69 and I’ve played it 0 times
Number of days since I submitted my new article to AXM and haven't heard back: 4