On Wednesday lunchtime I’m walking back to the office and I go past a restaurant and this is what’s going on there: The restaurant is actually on the other side of the (relatively narrow) street. The pavement right outside the restaurant is empty apart from some big fat guy in a suit (I believe they are called minders). On the other side of the street – the pavement where I’m walking along – there is a huge crowd of people.
The crowd includes around 10 people with massive cameras (I believe they are called paparazzi) and a large number of onlookers (women, children, office workers on their break, some gays) all watching the restaurant.
The natural assumption is that some kind of famous person is having lunch and is expected to come out sooner or later. I could go even further and assume that this might be some very famous person, because otherwise I don’t think anyone would care that much. This is central London after all.
At that point I am faced with 3 options:
1) Walk past and mind my own business, pretending not to care
2) Stand there and wait with the 34 other people for God knows what
3) Ask somebody who the famous person we are getting excited about it, evaluate whether it’s worth my time and make my decision based on that
What would you do?
In the 6 seconds that I have to make my decision as I’m walking past in front of the crowd, I choose option 1 and make the additional choice not to turn my head at all (either towards the restaurant or the people), because I’m thinking that I’m too good for this and nothing can be interesting enough to attract my attention.
The conclusion is: if you’re conceited and up your own arse, you will never see any celebrities.
Also yesterday, I’m going through the usual blogs that I read and I see that Bobby over at the Bobby Vanquish, presents a superficial challenge to his readers. Apparently we have to show a picture of our legs. A superficial challenge is my favourite kind of challenge, because lacking any other traits (mental, cognitive, personality-related) this is my only opportunity to do well. So here’s a picture of my legs.
You will notice that it focuses on my thighs, because to be honest my calves aren’t anything much to write home about, so I’ve got to focus on my strengths, right?
Finally, I will play my occasional game of making comments to emails people have sent in to the London Lite newspaper, which I pick up and “read” (i.e. glance at) on the tube on the way home.
London currently has 3 free newspapers that are handed out on the streets around public transport (Metro, The London Paper and London Lite). Those are best used to cover the seat that somebody has pissed on before you sit down.
All of them run columns where “readers” write in and rant about something. Those readers are usually bored secretaries or half-educated opinionated loudmouths who were inexplicably given access to email and decided to abuse it. What’s also interesting is that most of these comments are sent by people who live outside London (judging by their postcode), so we can assume they are also poor and can’t afford a flat here.
Before you go on to point it out, yes, I realize I’m no better than them with my self-absorbed ramblings on here, but as we keep saying, you’re on my side so you wouldn’t say that.
Here we go:
Sarah from “London” says: “I hate tourist sites in London, they’re full of rip-off prices and tourists. I always make a picnic and head to one of our parks. The water pedalos in Battersea Park are a favourite”
I says: Sarah. It is amazing that tourist sites are full of tourists. What are the odds of that? Maybe everyone should take your advice and travel 2,000 miles to go to London, so as to sit in a park with a bottle of Lambrini and get pissed. Maybe when you next go to Rome, you can ignore the Coliseum too and just spend 5 days sitting on a park bench staring at a tree.
Kat from TN9 (!) says: “I took a photo at the weekend of a youth at Bluewater (this is a shopping centre) whose waistband was lower than the end of his boxer shorts legs. Ridiculous”
I says: “A youth”? Anyway. Am I the only one who thinks this sounds like a good look? I want to try it. Plus it sounds sexy. Obviously too sexy for Kat, who trawls provincial shopping centres taking picures of teenagers’ underwear on her mobile phone.
Brian from SL8 says: “Anyone else deliberately target train seats that selfish people try to reserve with bags?”
I says: No Brian. Some of us actually live in London and have better things to do.
“Stu” from Amersham (no idea) says: “Everyone: Slow down, take a breath, daydream, say hello and smile to a stranger. It’s refreshing”
I says: Dear Stu. Fuck off. And don’t you dare smile at me.
I have 1 song by The Breeders and I’ve played it 8 times
I have 11 songs by Brett Anderson and I’ve played them 114 times
I have 15 songs by Britney Spears and I’ve played them 297 times