On Friday I pill myself up and go back to work, as I’ve had enough of sitting at home, resting my foot, not being able to go anywhere or do anything fun. Not to mention that the internet is not working.
Anyway, today’s topic is inspired by a cartoon Pam sent me earlier in the week. The cartoon shows an office where people revolt, smash things up, shut themselves out from the rest of the world and eventually start their own little society – in there.
So Pam says, how would you like it if that happened in here, and I says, sure you can go ahead with that but let me get out first, and then Pam says what about if it was all men stuck in here and I says, fair enough as long as I can choose who those men will be.
And because on Thursday I’m stuck at home with no internet access and unable to go anywhere, I actually do have a think about it and choose the dudes that I want to get stuck in the office with, and here they are. I’ve chosen 11 and put them in reverse order of preference.
No.11: Russian gymnast Aleksei Nemov
This guy was a very famous and successful gymnast in the 1990s. I remember thinking he was the perfect human being, but please try to remember I was very young and sheltered. Now I can spot some issues with his face plus he’s a bit top heavy. I would go on the internet to find shirtless pictures of him, and I remember reading on messageboards how disappointed people were that he was straight and married, and I don’t really get that – even if he were gay, so what, as if I’m gonna meet him anyway.
No.10: English footballer Michael Clegg
I base this infatuation on only 2 shirtless pictures I have found on the internet. Again, this is a guy I used to like when I was 18 or something. I usually don’t like footballers because they have scrawny upper bodies (e.g. David Beckham – look at his arms, his chest. Am I really going to fancy that? No). Although they might have good legs, they still look unbalanced. Michael is an exception because (google tells me) he’s a “keen bodybuilder and owns a gym with his brother”. Michael was signed to Manchester United but he really was crap so I don’t think he played any games. In any case he has nice boobs, so who cares. Mind you, I bet he’s old, fat and married now.
No. 9: American martial arts fighter Matt Hughes
I love Matt and the fact that he’s a fighter and he has a big square head. Also I bet Matt would really love me and he would break someone’s legs if they were mean to me. Before that, he might have to leave his wife and 2 children of course. Also I love the fact that Matt is only 5’9”, so he’s short and muscled and compact.
No. 8: French straight porn star Sebastian Barrio
Sebastian used to be in straight porn that I watched before I came out. I would buy straight porn, but obviously focus on the men. I am quite sure that I have watched more straight porn in my life than gay. I don’t know why I’m attracted to this guy who looks like an Eastern European car thief, but I am.
No.7: English footballer Frank Lampard
Yes, yes I know, Frank is another footballer and he actually has thin arms and no chest, but I like him. He’s your average English lad-type person, which is quite sexy. On top of that he shaves his armpits when he goes on holiday (as seen in British tabloids), so we will get on like a house on fire. Let’s hope he doesn’t want to talk about football, because quite frankly I’m just not that interested.
No. 6: British actor Christian Bale
You all know Christian Bale and I actually only want him for the way he looks in American Psycho. I do have some issues with his face (what the hell is going on with that nose?) but I’ll put up with that I suppose. Also, because his body in American Psycho is so preened and worked out to perfection, it will be almost impossible to maintain in the long term (without religious training and diet). I am only building myself up for disappointment here. Hmm…maybe he shouldn’t be this high up after all.
No. 5: English rugby player Jonny Wilkinson
Another gay fantasy cliché, I actually fancy but dislike Jonny. Jonny seems to have a complex about his appearance. After he won the Rugby World Cup for England a few years back, there was huge media interest in him. Sadly, Jonny has issues and he didn’t take advantage of any of that. It’s like he’s scared to be admired. I also imagine him to be fucking dull. What you need is that face and body, with David Beckham’s needy, queeny, attention seeking personality. Then we’d have magic.
No. 4: American actor Seann William Scott
He was quite fanciable in Dude Where’s My Car, and the he went and discovered steroids, which elevated him to the next level. Mind you, if I’m gonna spend any time with him, he has to promise to be a little less hyper and shut up every now and then. Bobby Vanquish (see blog links), has recently made some implications about Seann and a closet, which is the first I’ve heard about it. Again though, what does it matter, as if he’s gonna go for me.
No. 3: English model Will Chalker
Will is a very successful male model. He comes with a story, which is that he used to be a builder, until a friend of his took some pictures and sent them off somewhere without Will knowing anything, and then Will suddenly became an international superstar. This is obviously made up bollocks, to give him a more “down to earth” appeal and a masculine, “I ain’t bothered about this fashion shit” edge. I’m sure the truth is that Will spent 3 months trawling around the London model agency circuit until he got accidentally signed. I actually like him for his down to earth appeal and masculine edge. Oh wait, the media campaign does work on gullible queens like me.
No.2: English rugby player Ben Cohen
Ben is big and rough and hairy – not unlike a grizzly bear. He combines that with an approachable, smiley face which makes him irresistible to every gay man I’ve ever known. Mind you, I bet he’s a bit disappointing in real life, because let’s face it, he’s way too hairy and also he has the body type that once he stops playing rugby on an international level, he will lose any definition he currently has and balloon up to 28 stone.
No.1: English rugby player Josh Lewsey
I love Josh. I don’t understand how anyone can be THAT big and THAT defined at the same time, but also look natural, not like some destroyed body builder. Also he seems like a great guy, but that is obviously just in my head, because I want to like him. In terms of fitness and general appeal, Josh makes me look subhuman in comparison.
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