And I came to London about 3 years and 3 months ago, in April 2004, and in the beginning I really didn’t know a single person here, so I didn’t have a single friend. Then I met friends at work and I moved in with some of them – 4 of us were sharing a big house in Ealing – and we went out a lot and drunk and some people would pull each other and maybe occasionally sleep together, but not so often because we were working in numerical jobs and sex occurs less frequently in those industries.
I wasn’t gay back then and I didn’t know anyone who was and I hadn’t slept with anyone ever and I think I might have kissed a total of 3 girls in my life, but not for very long. I was 24. I wasn’t that bothered to be honest, I thought I would never come out and I was planning to lead a pseudo-straight life, because being gay was too scary an option.
Sometimes in the summer of 2004, I would take the tube though in the evening on my own and sit there and go round in circles and think what I wanted to do with my life. Because London gives you lots of opportunities to do what you want and destroy your life a little bit, so I didn’t want to not take advantage of those.
Other times, on a Saturday evening, when I had nothing to do, I would sometimes take the tube and go to Soho on my own and walk around a bit. And I would walk past gay bars and shops and book stores, but I wouldn’t go in, because I was too embarrassed. Later that summer, I would sometimes get the courage and I would go in and look at magazines and DVDs on the shelves, but I wouldn’t pick them up, because I was scared somebody might see me.
Around that time I decided that maybe I wanted to go ahead and meet a guy. I started going on gaydar and I made a profile and put some pictures up, without showing my face of course. I was telling myself that I would meet somebody once, sleep with them, and then I would get this out of my system and be straight. I spent about 4 months talking to people on there and trying to find somebody that seemed like a decent person to do this with. I bought a laptop to go online with and I kept it hidden from my housemates. At that point, I still hadn’t told anyone anything about being gay, not even my best friends that I went to school (Alex) and University (Andrews) with.
On Friday the 5th of November, I met the guy. I took the day off work and I lied to my friends that I was going away for the day. I was meeting the guy at 1100 and I was completely terrified, so I remember downing two beers and some vodka before I left home. I met him, we had coffee, I lied to him about my name, my age, where I’m from, what I did for a living, everything. He was nice enough to pretend to believe me when I was telling him that I don’t want to be gay, this would only be a one-off experience and I would never come out. We went back to his place and things happened. I was 24 years, 9 months and 29 days old.
I didn’t tell anyone anything for another 2 months. The first person I told was Andrews. We were in some bar in Athens after Christmas and Miss Kittin was singing Silver Screen Shower Scene and I told him I had something to say and I started crying because I thought he would never want to talk to me again and then I told him.
It took another month until I told the second person and that was Matty. By the end of the summer of 2005 I had told all my friends in London and now it seems like a lifetime ago, but it’s been less than 2 years. And this is how I ended up here: a secondary character out of Less Than Zero.
I have 2 songs by Arcade Fire and I have played them 2 times
I have 1 song by The Archies I’ve played it 2 times
I have 16 songs by The Arctic Monkeys and I’ve played them 135 times
Wednesday, 11 July 2007
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18 comments:
London Preppy, it's fantastic that you share your story so openly like this -- in fact it's just amazing. It's a bold thing to do. To be so thorougly and humbly honest takes real guts and to communicate it with such ease is the sign of a true writer. Keep doing this, it's more than merely entertaining -- it's actually quite moving...
thismansaid: Thanks for saying that. It's odd, but it doesn't feel personal. Just like telling a story I heard about somebody else.
Maybe if you don't feel anything then the writing is performing a cathartic role for you. Maybe it's a bit like when you lower your expectations of life and then things magically start going right. You know, get it out there and then it doesn't matter so much and the world "out there" doesn't matter so much either...
The Arctic Monkeys!
Very dissapointed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Great blogg today tho
:-X
It is my story, and you told it very well.... Really - it could have been me! You even capture the details about lying through the first date, not to reveal too much, now it seems like a very strange thing to do, but back then...
Well, WOW! Very moving indeed, and I must tell you, that I almost never use the word "indeed," so that should tell you something. Back when I first met a gay person for the first time, there were no computers for personal use, considering that I was born in 1957, and I started on my voyage of self discovery in the mid 1970s for f***'s sake! I was but a wee lad back in Baltimore, Maryland, and I was sitting in front of the television watching the late news come to an end, with my Mother, and a commercial (you English blokes would call it an "advert") came on to advertise this...."are you alone, afraid, and don't know where to turn? If the answer is yes to these questions and more, then maybe you need to call the Gay Community Center of Baltimore at......" I was petrified just hearing it, and thinking that my Mother would hear my heart beating faster and harder! I tried my best to memorize the number and a few minutes later I excused myself to use the bathroom and ran off to write the number down. The next day I called the number, and like you, LP, I lied about lots of things, my name, my age (I was not even 18 yet!) and lots more! Different and not so different at the same time, huh?
I agree with the others, great blog today. Like some of the others, I think the reason I enjoyed it so much was because I remember doing some of those same things and how silly it seems, but how now and again I still do them.
I dunno, I guess some people were born to go to Ku and G-A-Y at 15 years old...and then there are the others who needed more time to discover...and still do.
you have exceeded yourself almost today LP i was so touched by you able to freely talk about yourself yet hide your eyes in your pics...if i was to psycho analyse it would be quite an essay to write so ill stick to basic....very touching (i was there on the tube staring at you almost reading your thoughts for a second) , honest and you have a gift to draw people into your world so effortless. you are a special guy! you could look like notre dame's infamous guy and still shine through your words. your other half should be proud to be with you (i imagine he is) , and more importantly be proud!! i sound like a drag queen on a float at gaypride ffs! hugs
im beginning a blog its kinda not the norm but thort id let u no anyway...got some inspiration to let loose from yourself LP
can u tell me how to get a cluster map it is just confusing me i been trying for way too long tonight now thnx
matt: Yeah I'm kinda glad it took me a while to deal with it - I think if I had started going to G.A.Y. at 15 my perspective would be quite narrow (i.e. constrained in the gay world)
rebellfoxx: Thanks very much :-)
About the clustermap - go on here: http://clustrmaps.com/index.htm and follow instructions
A touching openness to this posting that, as evidenced by the comments already, a lot of us can relate to.
There are of course pros and cons to the 'when' of coming out although often - assuming positive reactions such as you got - we wish we had done it sooner.
You reflect well the whole song and dance and skirting around the edges before finally acting. It might seem so silly but it does raise a wry smile of recognition from me and I am sure others. But also weigh that 'silliness' against the fact that when you finally did it - came out - you were emotionally mature and ready. You had certainly thought about it enough..!
John
insight
I can relate to what you're saying - as I'm pretty sure a lot of gay guys can. It's never easy to come out - whether you're fifteen or fifty - and it takes a lot of guts.
I first came out when I started uni. I was making new friends who had nothing to judge me for, so in a way it was probably quite easy to tell them I was gay. But I was always paranoid that they'd tell my parents, which was something I wasn't anywhere near ready to handle.
I finally told my parents and brother that I was gay last Easter. They were fantastic about it - completely unphased. But that doesn't make it easier for anyone else, just me. So I count myself lucky. I know cultures differ and can make things tough, and there's nothing worse than some sanctimonious pr*ck banging on about how he came out and how easy it was.
It's not easy. It's f*cking terrifying. And to read your story, written so honestly - even if you do feel distanced from it in the telling - will, I hope, really help someone out there.
These coming out story’s are always my favourite, especially when they are written like this. Mine wasn’t easy either (who’s is?). Jehovah’s Witness parents, and living in a small town, desperate for some kind of real affection from someone... blah blah...it was a rollercoaster but I ended up being very lucky, considering how bad it could’ve been.
The thing that shocks me most is how so many parts of the world are still so far behind in accepting love between two people of the same sex. An amazing person who everyone looks up to will announce his/her homosexuality and in that instant becomes a bad person. It disgusts me how people can ostracise their own offspring.
ALL THANKS TO RELIGION!
I'm sure by now you've discovered that life just keeps on getter better with each day!
religion's screwed up alot of this world. You said available for bar mitzvahs. Were you raised in a particular religion?
Nice post, you might not know it but you help alot of people. I suppose I'm in the same situation, dunno if I'll ever have your courage!
H
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