On Thursday after work I go to the gym and I’m pleased to find that the muscle dwarf with the incontinence pants is also there. That’s always a good thing, because a little bit of hatred gears me up and I have a better workout. Let’s call him Lubov, because “muscle dwarf with the incontinence pants” is a bit lengthy to keep typing.
Lubov is living up to expectations with stripy hot pants, long t-shirt that completely covers them (making them invisible) and general “fuck you” attitude. For the first time though, he’s not reading the Financial Times, but instead a copy of the Metro. (Metro is a free newspaper they give away on the tube and is best used to cover the seat that somebody has pissed on before you sit down). I imagine the following sequence of events that have led to this swapping of reading materials:
September 2006: Lubov jumps off the boat that carried him to the UK illegally, swims to the coast and makes his way to London (eating raw chickens and potatoes that he steals from farms on the way).
He enrolls to the School Of English for Aspiring Little Businessmen from Eastern Europe (Central London). There, in addition to his lessons, he’s encouraged to read a newspaper on a daily basis to get exposure to the English language. He chooses the Financial Times because that’s what Serious Businessman read and it will look good in the pictures he sends to his widowed, toothless Father back in his hometown (unspecified).
Roll forward 10 months and 5 courses of steroids later (he brought them with him from Eastern Europe jammed up his bum to avoid getting caught, now he injects them into it) and his English hasn’t improved at all. Lubov wonders why, because he really has been reading the Financial Times every day in the gym. What is he doing wrong?
He discusses his progress (or lack of) with Professor Windsor from the School Of English and realizes that there is more to the FT that graphs, tables of numbers and little arrows going up or down. He was supposed to also read the words that run between the pictures?! Nobody had told him that! Professor Windsor suggests that he gives the FT a break for now and tries the Metro instead. Lubov obliges.
Anyway, back to the gym on Thursday now. Another brilliant thing about this little guy is the way he chooses to do his exercises. If there’s a way to climb onto something and do something completely awkward, he will certainly give it his best shot.
For example, instead of sitting on a bench and doing tricep extensions: He will climb on the bench, kneel on it, lean against the back and do it there.
Or, instead of doing a simple chest exercise at the cable cross-over, he will take 2 of these adjustable Steps, put them on top of each other, lie on them upside down, balance the newspaper on his legs and do it that way.
Most of these acrobatics involve him elevating himself by climbing somewhere, which I suppose is a good way to make yourself prominent when you’re 5’5”.
Because he’s so tiny and wide and he curls himself up in these little positions, I personally feel quite fatherly towards him. Just like picking your child up when he’s fallen asleep in front of the TV and carrying him to his bed. Instead, I would like to pick this little guy up and put him in the bin.
Anyway, after the gym I go back home and watch the last episodes of Frasier I have on DVD (what do I do now – better start buying Family Guy I guess) and eat and then take my picture hanging upside down on the sofa trying to look sexy or like Lubov or both and then I go to bed around 2345 but I can’t sleep so I take half a Valium at 0100 and I still can’t sleep so I take the other half at 0330 and then I wake up at 0822 and come to work.
I have 1 song by Baz Luhrman and I've played it 23 times
I have 1 song by BBE and I've played it 16 times
I have 3 song by The Beach Boys and I've played them 7 times