Monday, 30 April 2007

Sunday 29/04/07

So spending the weekend as a single person (with LB still being away on holiday) hasn’t been too bad. This weekend I had my teeth whitened again, which means that:

a) There really mustn’t be much tooth left as I have dissolved the surface three times now (first in 2001, then 2003), but at least the shade of my smile looks satisfyingly un-human

b) My teeth are actually hurting quite a bit at the moment, but I’m sure this will go away

c) I can only eat white food for a few days, as anything that I eat now so soon after the process might stain the teeth

Early in the afternoon I went to the gym. The gym was boring and full of straight people shouting at the TV, because the football was on. Why do straight people spend so much time obsessing about sport in the most gay way imaginable and not actually playing it? That has been one of the highlights of coming out actually – not having to pretend I care about sport anymore. Until I was 25 I spent substantial amount of time feeling embarrassed and trying to conceal my lack of knowledge – in case people thought I was gay.

After the gym I had planned to meet long-term online friend Orville (his choice of nickname incidentally) and hang out in Soho Square. The following things happened:

- Orville texted me to ask if we could meet half an hour later than planned. I wasn’t very happy with that, as I was just about to text him and ask if we could meet 45 minutes earlier than planned. Which left me with a 75-minute gap

- As a back-up plan I went into Borders and spent 1 hour plus looking at Heat / GQ / a photography book called Fruits, which was quite fun

- When we met, Orville had brought me a script to read (he’s a writer you know), which was very nice of him. I’m definitely rooting for this to be picked up for a film now, so I can say I read the script first. (PS. I’ve finished reading it now and I carefully scanned it for potential 20-something year-old male characters with non-speaking parts, which I could potentially play, but didn’t find any – Orville: please re-write)

- We sat in the square while Orville drank two pints of lager and we chatted

- I bumped into clubbing friend Aussie J, who proceeded to take the piss out of me as he usually does – but in a nice way, I know he loves me really. This time I had made it a bit too easy for him by wearing stupidly short white shorts

- Some guy walked up to me and said “I’m sure you will have done this already, but I work for QX and we could put you on the cover, here’s my card”. I said that yes I had done that already, but it was very nice of him to ask me anyway

- We left when there finally wasn’t any direct sun hitting us on the face

In the evening I went to Matty and Katie’s house for a barbecue. Mean was there too, and we indulged in various activites, such as: eating / slagging off people we know / making play-doh caricatures of common friends and British landmarks / generally having a nice quite evening in. Please see below a) a play-doh depiction of Stonehenge and b) my meal for the evening aka 3 shades of white:

When I got back home I got a text from Andrews, saying that he was missing me, and asking what is happening down here in London. Andrews is my best friend ever and honourary brother. We went to Uni together and lived together for 6 years, but then he stayed up north when I moved to London. And he’s great.

On Sunday I did my shopping at Tesco in the morning, where I saw no less than 4 super hot guys (straight). They were all wearing shorts, had nice big calves (which is obviously amazingly sexy) and general muscleness etc. I really can’t explain the high incidence of sexy dudes in Tesco on a Sunday morning, apart from the fact that where I live about 7 out of 10 people are tourists and these guys definitely looked American. Is it some sort of holiday in America at the moment – like Spring Break or something? American readers please help.

Finally, in the afternoon I met Natalie and RS and we went to Green Park together to hang out for a bit. Now I’m back home, 14 short dreadful hours away from work.

Friday, 27 April 2007

Friday 27/04/07

Tonight I can't be bothered going out, so I'm staying in (on my own). Recently, I have really not been in a mood to go clubbing or partying or substance abusing or anything like that. I know it's a really obvious cliche to say: "oh yeah I'm done with the clubbing, I'm over it" etc. In fact every clubbing queen that you meet in Fire on a Sunday afternoon, has told you this very thing the day before in the gym. And then you see them there. But I seriously don't have the enthusiasm that I used to have; and actually, I'm not happy with that.

I remember the days when I would set the alarm clock for 0430 on a Sunday morning so I could go to Beyond and I was absolutely loving it. That was about two years ago now of course, when I had first come out and it was all new and exciting, but still I have always looked forward to a big night out throughout these two years.

And I'm not hypocritical, I'm not gonna claim that I'm suddenly mature and grown up and I look down on the clubbing scene. I actually wish I was as much of a trash bag as I have been. Those were good times you know, and the stories that happened then would make very exciting blog content. I actually did write a blog every week through the first gay year, which I only sent to about 8 close friends (all straight) and I would never imagine sharing it with 200+ people who read this daily. But Andrews, Matty, Mean, Ace, Alex, Natalie, Christina and a couple more know about all this fun.

I guess things that are different now are:

- I'm in a long-term relationship and I'm probably more settled than I was

- All those people who used to go to Beyondd every week don't seem to go out anymore

Maybe this is just a phase and I will find myself out and about with genuine enthusiasm again soon though. Fingers crossed.

Anyway, today I've also made a list of things I want to buy:

a) a new gym bag

b) a new belt

c) a new computer

And the £4.70 that my Speedos are currently selling for don't really stretch to that. So send me some money.

EDIT: This is the correct link now:

And finally, here's a picture of a Friday night about a year ago now, when I definitely knew how to have a good time and I wasn't as boring and lame as I am now.

Thursday, 26 April 2007

Thursday 26/04/07

Just when you think you’ve seen everything from Rat Boy, he comes out with something new, which takes it to the next level. In the gym today it was generally a very good Rat Boy surveillance day, because I stayed late at work (just about 45 minutes), then got to the gym when Rat Boy and Partner were halfway through their workout, so we finished together – and consequently shared locker room space. Here is what I found out about Rat Boy and Partner today:

- Rat Boy has gone to new lengths of self-grooming. The sparse and random chest hairs we knew and loved have all gone. Where is this going to lead?

- Even though Rat Boy and Partner do exactly the same exercises, Rat Boy has admittedly developed and looks much better than when he started, but Partner still looks like he spends an hour and a half at the Krispy Kreme factory every day after work instead of the gym. What is it that makes some people “always the bridesmaid”?

- Rat Boy and Partner enjoy showering in adjacent cubicles and shouting loudly at each other, whilst they're soaping their bums or whatever people do in the shower. I think it’s called “banter”. Unfortunately I couldn’t hear what the chat was (because I was about 4 cubicles further down), but I heard the word “mate” at the end of every sentence, which presumably served the purpose of reassuring everyone that despite the shower banter / obsessive gym going / body hair trimming / immaculate work dressing, they are straight, and don’t you forget about it

- Rat Boy does take his pants off in the changing room, but always facing some distant corner and wearing a t-shirt or shirt, just in case “us gays” get uncontrollably turned on and attack him

- Partner changes underwear under a towel (wrapped around his waist)

- Finally, my favourite moment ever – this is what I was talking about in the beginning. Rat Boy does the following: Comes out of shower with towel around waist. Goes to hair dryer and dries his hair (that step is obviously necessary when you have a number 2 all over like he does, because otherwise it might take a whole of 2 minutes to dry naturally). Then – and this is it – he takes the hair dryer, points it up the towel from the bottom between his legs (i.e. he bends down a bit to perform this operation) and proceeds to blow dry his knob. Obviously, at that point I start grinning like a fool, because I’m already thinking how I can blog this. Can somebody explain what the point of this is? How important is a perfectly dry, hot willy after a shower? Maybe I’m missing a trick here and I should start doing it too.

Apart from those guys in the gym, however, there were a couple more people who I actually liked. The best one was Aussie Boy (remember him?), who is such a lovely guy still. At one point I was waiting by a bench and I realized he was stood near there, so I asked if he was waiting for the same one. He smiled very pleasantly and said yeah, we both laughed, like this was a hugely unlikely and hilarious event and I said to him, no worries, you can go ahead. Aaah! What a lovely incident. No attitude, no being a twat, nothing.

Finally, here’s a picture of my desk at work today. Pam and American Girl got me these presents because I won a bet we had. Look at them – a Krispy Kreme Chocolate Dreamcake, a Krispy Kreme chocolate milkshake (which I drank INSTANTLY of course before I even took the picture) and a biscuit beautifully hand-wrapped and decorated. Aren’t friends nice?

Wednesday, 25 April 2007

Wednesday 25/04/07

Sleeping on my own last night wasn’t as terrifying as I thought it might be. Well OK, it is a bit scary when I wake up and need to go to the toilet, considering I have to walk through the whole flat to get there, but I think I can handle it. See I’m pretending to be brave now, but if I don’t post tomorrow and the day after etc, you will know that either:

a) Some stupid burglar broke in and killed me after stealing my single most expensive possession, i.e. my annual Oyster card for Zones 1-2

b) The ghost of a servant who used to work in this house 100 years ago and is out to take revenge on rich people has eaten me. Actually I think I’d be more scared if the ghost stood there and looked at me instead of eating me. Fuck, I’m actually getting a bit freaked out about this, I will stop here

Another benefit of being home alone is also that I can have a wank whenever I want. Not that LM stops me or anything, but he does walk past or he looks at me disapprovingly etc.

Today work was horribly tedious and way too busy for my liking. The only things that helped me get through were distraction emails from DM (who I will rename American Girl from now on, cause that’s what she is) and chat on myspace. Actually I got a message from Blog Reader Damo, who asked me what MY favourite story of the blog has been so far. He did more than this actually (obviously they keep him well busy at Uni) – he created this ( had to censor it a bit because he wrote my name on it):

In response to that I have to say definitely a combination of C and F. Generally, my favourite kind of incident is when somebody with a huge chip on their shoulder goes out of their way to send through some negativity – either online or in real life, I’m not too fussed. Admittedly it’s slightly disturbing, but this lunatic fringe does provide writing material and conversation. So, to all the crazies out there: keep up the good work.

Finally, here’s a disgusting / sexy picture (depending on your perspective). This is the game we call: “Whose chest is this?” Try to match the chest to London Preppy / LM. The first person who comments with a correct answer wins a doughnut when I next see them.

PS. I haven’t had a doughnut since Thursday the 29th of March. The end.

Monday, 23 April 2007

Monday 23/04/07

LB was going on holiday for a week today with a friend of his, so I was going to be living on my own until next Tuesday. There are obvious pros and cons to this of course, which include:

Pro: I will find things where I’ve left them and all the objects will remain lined up on the surfaces, as I have arranged them

Con: I will have to remember to water the plants myself

Pro: I will not have to change the toothbrush head on the electric toothbrush every time I use it (which pisses me off)

Con: I’m scared to sleep alone at night (locking the door doesn’t help as I’m scared of both burglars and ghosts)

Pro: I can spend all the time I want on the internet / reading / watching Greek TV without LB moaning that I’m boring and selfish

Con: I will have to do all the washing up – not just 50% of it

In any case, this will all have to wait, as LB got to the airport but realized he had forgotten his passport, so he missed his flight and will have to catch a different one tomorrow. I have to point out that this is the second time in a row that he turns up at the airport without a passport (last time he made us miss a trip to Amsterdam; well, he missed it, I went), so this shows what I have to put up with. I may be boring and selfish but at least my brain works.

Today I have also been playing with my new webcam and so far I’ve only had an msn web-chat with one of my straight friends (Mean), and we found it quite amusing. I realize that the possibilities are endless with this webcam though and I have big plans. I will most definitely be recording my own music videos and posting them, but apart from that I want to explore the following options:

a) If you’re in a relationship and you take your clothes off / see other sexy strangers with their clothes off on webcam, does that count as cheating?

b) What about when your boyfriend is, hmmm…let’s say on holiday abroad. Is it allowed then?

c) What if you take your clothes off for NON-SEXY strangers (who don’t have a webcam themselves of course, or if they do I’m not interested in seeing them), but they give you money for it? I don’t have any moral objections about this one – just procedural ones, e.g. where do I advertise, how much do I charge, etc. If anyone can help, please advise me

Finally, another step down the road of prostitution: after the roaring success of selling the ridiculous green wrestling costume on ebay a few weeks ago, I have been inspired and I’m now trying to sell a pair of old Speedos. Unsurprisingly I have used suggestive text (borderline so it doesn’t get taken down by ebay) and gratuitous body shots. Hopefully, this will be an equally successful business venture – see the trunks here:

Oh yes, I nearly forgot – thanks for all the answers to the questions yesterday. Incidentally, if you do read the blog and don’t really know me but you see me out and recognize me, do come up to me and tell me. It will be a lot more satisfying to hear than: “how many times do you go to the gym”, “what do you eat to have abs like that” or “nice tits” (the latter being a quote / chat-up line to RS from the last time we went to Later).

PS. Thanks also for the 236 hits the blog got in one day yesterday – even though this puts unreasonable pressure on me to keep it entertaining, which obviously will only lead to disappointment. Hold up, here are a couple of picture of the perfect human being that is Josh Lewsey – this should keep everyone coming back. The first one is him coming out of the sea, wearing just the best abs definition / general bulk imaginable and the second one is a poster I have in my living room, which takes up the whole wall (just compare it to the Frasier DVD box next to it for size).

Sunday, 22 April 2007

Sunday 22/04/07

After leaving work nice and early on Saturday I went to the gym. On the way there I also went and bought a webcam, but that’s a whole different story which I’m sure we’ll come back to. As I got to the gym LM was leaving, but that can only be a good thing as he would just interrupt my workout with inconsequential chat. Before he left I had the opportunity to take the piss out of him, because this guy was also there who LM shagged years and years ago and he is truly hideous.

He has taken so many steroids he probably bleeds testosterone, but somehow he has neglected to work out his legs ever, so he looks ridiculous. A deformed muscled upper body with Lily Cole’s legs. Well, I guess that look can be successful occasionally – it worked for LM after all.

Following the gym I met briefly with Matty (one of The Lads) and his girlfriend Katie and we went to Soho Square to sit for a bit. Soho Square attracts a predominatly gay / vain / queeny crowd when the sun is out, and Saturday was no exception. Matty exhibited the usual unjustified insecurities that straight boys show when they are surrounded by gay people, and insisted on keeping his top on – because obviously otherwise everyone would have gone berserk over him and turned him gay. Or something.

While I was there I got a text from a Greek Cypriot friend of mine, M. He was letting me know that the singer who’s representing Cyprus in Eurovision this year, was doing a PA in a bar on Soho called Shadow Lounge later that evening. Obviously we were both really excited about that, because even though we’ve left Greece and Cyprus respectively and would never want to go and live back there, we still get sensitive and patriotic about silly things like that. Not to mention my life-long obsession with Eurovision (which as I have said before is not ironic/camp and no I am not kidding). So of course I agreed to go and see that if we could sort out guestlist (which we could).

We got there about 0030 (Cypriot M, LM – who I dragged along and was falling asleep on a couch due to lack of interest – and a whole bunch of other Greek / Cypriot people who we know and live here). She made it on stage at 0200 (just before LM nearly walked out) and it’s fair to say we gave her more enthusiasm and attention than anyone representing a small European nation in a naff song competition with a pseudo-gothic / electro stomper deserves. But it was definitely fun.

Apart from all this excitement, I met somebody else in Shadow Lounge, who asked me to deliver a personal message to his housemate via this blog. More specifically: hi DAVID FROM CLAPHAM, I know you’re reading this. I realize this is a new direction for the blog – delivering shout outs like a local radio station, but I’m quite happy doing that.

On Sunday morning, the London Marathon was on, so we decided to go and watch it for a bit. Around 1400, LM and I met Matty, Katie, BS and TS and the following things happened:

- We got to a bridge and started examining the runners going past (see picture below). The conclusion in nobody sexy runs the Marathon – possibly because you have to be slim-fit to run 26 miles, not muscly-fit

- The biggest celebrity we saw was Glynn from Big Brother, which also says a lot

- I decided that I want to run the Marathon as well next year (even though I get puffed out walking to the tube station from my house) and LM helpfully pointed out that I could never do it because “my legs are too short, my chest too big and I’ll topple over; also I have no stamina”

- Matty and TS (that’s an old housemate of mine) were shouting motivational rubbish to people going past, which was highly embarrassing and I’m surprised nobody stopped and punched them

Then we came back home.

Finally, even though I’ve asked questions via this blog with limited success before, I’ll try again. Can you please leave a comment and say:

a) whether you know me in real life or just reading the blog without having met me

b) where you heard about this blog first

I don’t expect more than 2 people to respond to this but anyway. Nice one, thanks.

Friday, 20 April 2007

Friday 20/04/07

A lot of work related incidents have happened in the last couple of days. On Thursday we got the following email from the company secretary:

“We have electricians coming to our site on Saturday. They will be here at 8.30 and will carry out work for approx 8 hours. If anyone can come to let them in and monitor them please let me know. You will be entitled to take a day’s holiday if you do this.”

Predictably, nobody replied to that, so next we got this:

“Due to the positive response from the first email (!) it has been decided that if you come in then you will be entitled to a 1 ½ days holiday”

Then it occurred to me: There is a possibility that I might need to take Monday off, in case I have to do that photoshoot. What if I agree to come in on Saturday on the condition that I can take Monday off? Well basically, nobody else wanted to spend their Saturday in the office, so they were fine with my suggestion. In an ideal world, things would have worked out perfectly for me; more specifically:

- I would get the modeling job and be able to go, now that I have Monday off

- I would be left with an extra half day’s holiday

- I would come in on Saturday and spend a few hours on the internet / reading / looking at the swimmers in the pool, as I wouldn’t be expected to do any work

However, it’s now Friday afternoon and things have started to go wrong already. Firstly, I haven’t heard back from the casting yesterday, so I think it’s very unlikely I got it. Secondly, and more importantly, I got another called on Friday morning from a different agency who asked me if I wanted to do a modeling job on Tuesday. No casting, nothing, I already had the job. The money wasn’t as good as the lifeguard job, but it was for Cosmopolitan, which would have been good exposure. Well sadly I had to turn this down, as I can’t take Tuesday off as well on such short notice! Generally everything seems to suck a bit at the moment.

I was actually looking forward to coming to the office on Saturday and was busy making silly plans like:

a) To have my picture taken sitting naked at my desk

b) To find a willing participant and perform some sort of sexual act on the premises

c) To get some friends around and play with them

However, I’m now a bit disappointed by the whole thing and want to sulk. I take a day off for a modeling job and then don’t get it, and then get a modeling job for the day after that I can’t go to?

Anyway, since I’m gonna be in the office tomorrow all day on my own, please feel free to entertain me via:

- Text messages or calls (if you have my number)
- Emails
- Myspace messages
- Comments on the blog
- Free drugs
- Other treats

I’ll take anything.

Thursday, 19 April 2007

Thursday 19/04/07

You’re fully aware of course that I have an 11 o’clock snack every day, which is usually a can of tuna. This is a fantastic excuse to have a chocolate bar at 11.05am because as we all know when you’ve just had a meal with 30g of protein 0g of fat and 0g of carbs, you can go and stuff your face with some chocolate straight after. The tuna dissolves the chocolate and you don’t get fat.

This week I have replaced the 11 o’clock tuna with 2 boiled eggs. Of course I don’t eat the yolk (I’m not mad) just the white bit, and obviously I’m not gonna sit at my desk peeling eggs and then separating the white from the yolk, cause people will think I’m a freak. So the obvious place to do this is the toilet overlooking the swimming pool – i.e. my favourite spot at work. As I was having my snack on Wednesday morning, I realized that this was a good day to hit the pool for the first time at lunchtime.

This is a very dangerous prospect, considering that:

- We get free passes for the gym / pool from work

- There are communal showers in the changing rooms there, i.e. no cubicles, no nothing

- Consequently you can easily find yourself sharing hot water and soap with your naked boss / the head of Accounts / the Sandwich Guy

Luckily none of these people were there, so nothing too cringe-worthy happened. I went, did 10 lengths, nearly passed out because I’m unfit and haven’t done any cardio for about a year, sat in the sun for a bit, got changed, came back to work. I have to say, overall it was really good and I’m planning to be going there a lot.

On Wednesday I got a call for a casting that was happening on Thursday from an agency I’m signed up with. Can I point out – I don’t have delusions that I’m a model, I probably only do a photoshoot every 2-3 months or something. I like it though, as it’s a change from the office job and it adds some variation to my monotonous, sad life. Anyway, for this job the specs were:

“Role: lifeguard (though not real one. But look like). White. Toned. Healthy. Age 18 to 25. NO TALLER THAN 6’. Wear plain swimming shorts (not trunks or Bermuda) at casting. Fee: £xxx”

I said that yes, I would love to go to that, so I was booked in for Thursday 1230. This would give me just enough time to rush there at lunchtime and then go back to work. It really breaks up your day of analyzing data when you go to a casting and stand there in your shorts for 10 minutes, while people are taking pictures of you.

Anyway, this all happened on Thursday. They were very nice and friendly actually so it was painless. Sometimes they won’t even talk to you when you go to a casting – you walk in, they look at you for 10 seconds and send you on your way. I suppose that’s fair enough though, because they know what they’re looking for on each occasion, and it’s not like a conversation will change anything. I’m not expecting to get this job, as I’m sure there are lots of other people out there who are more: White, Toned and Healthy than me, but you’ve got to try these things, innit.

Err…that’s all for now. One last thing – I read other blogs and see that people often leave comments. Can I have some comments of my own please? I know a good number of people read this, so it would be good to get some conversation going. Not complaining too much (I get regular comments from NS, Damo, r!ch, etc) but if this is gonna be a one-way rant I might as well go and stand on Hyde Park corner and shout at people walking past.

Wednesday, 18 April 2007

Wednesday 18/04/07

On Sunday night when I was lying awake in my bed stressing and not being able to sleep, LM and RS had actually gone out clubbing at Fabric. RS decided to take my example and text me through the night to send me updates, but unfortunately I’m a complete idiot and I emptied my inbox yesterday before I had the chance to take transcripts. I do remember some stories though about “feeling monged”, “ending up in a chill out” and “not wanting to go clubbing without you again”. Which is an obvious conclusion because I’m fantastic clubbing company.

Monday continued to be very warm and the swimming pool next to the office was packed. I spent several toilet breaks staring outside the window being envious of the people there, so I decided to organize myself and not miss out on the next hot day. Looking at the pool from my level actually reminds me of the video for Kylie’s Slow (youtube it if you haven’t seen it). There is a big space next to the actual swimming pool, where people just lie and sunbathe. And the crowd in the summer is scarily similar to the video (i.e. Speedo-clad, buff Brazilians) – well, those and lots of white people with home-made tattoos from the Council flats around who get in for free.

At lunchtime, I went out and bought new swimming shorts, goggles, ear plugs (I get swimmer’s ear otherwise – that’s like tennis elbow only more wet) and a towel, which I now keep at my desk for swimming / sunbathing emergencies. I am seriously planning to spend every hot day’s lunchtime at the pool from now on, starting Thursday.

I also noticed a really hot muscly guy with shaved blonde hair sunbathing at 5pm yesterday and I wanted to take a picture and show you, but I know I wouldn’t do him justice from such a distance, so I didn’t. Pam from the office has agreed to come with me when it’s sunny and I go though, so I will try to make acquaintances and take pictures then.

On Tuesday I couldn’t hit the pool because it was quite cloudy, so instead I went shopping. I think it should start getting sunny again now, because I spent £125 on a pair of shorts and a shirt and I would much rather spend an hour lying in the sun for free instead. Also continuous shopping doesn’t look very good at work, as they might start thinking they pay me too much (not the case, as if I didn’t have alternative sources of income I’d have to live in Zone 2 at least). Sample conversation when I went back to the office carrying bags:

London Preppy’s boss: Blimey! Shopping again?
London Preppy: It’s a new season, I need new clothes.

After work I went to the gym where Rat Boy and Partner had finally re-emerged after at least a week off. The following things happened:

- Partner looked very tanned. I suspect he had been on holiday, that’s why they hadn’t trained for a week. I don’t think they could imagine going to the gym without each other

- Rat Boy has neglected his under-arm hair management. Perhaps he felt that he had pushed the boundaries of being metrosexual too much?

Oh yeah finally – my review of Later on Sunday has now gone up on that website ( You can read it here: I am posting under a nickname - it's the most recent review of Later on the page obviously – let me know what you think of it, but only if you like it.

Tuesday, 17 April 2007

Tuesday 17/04/07

I had written a nice (hopefully funny) blog with stories from the swimming pool and a Rat Boy update, but I left it on my other computer. So I'll have to post it tomorrow morning (I am NOT typing everything again). In the meantime, here is a picture of my chest, which should:
a) keep 97% of the readers entertained
b) guarantee me some hate mail about how vain / shallow / what a cunt I am, which I can at least include in a future blog when I'm running low on stories

Monday, 16 April 2007

Monday 16/04/07

Saturday was the first proper warm weekend of the year, so before going to the park, LM and I decided to clean the house a bit - mainly the outdoor areas in preparation for the summer (i.e. the patio at the back and the entrance area at the front where we keep lots of – mostly dead – plants). This isn’t something I should be doing really, but my Dad is refusing to get me a maid like I asked him when I was there for Easter. But parents can be pretty selfish I guess.

After that we went to Hyde Park. Obviously everyone in the world and their dog was there (literally), and the following incidents occurred:

- For the first 2 hours LM and I sat there “enjoying the sun” and making comments about the people around us. We also enjoyed a chocolate cake we had bought from Tesco

- We spent about an hour trying to arrange to meet RS who decided to turn up with 4 friends and sit at the exact opposite side of the park
- We eventually met RS and his friends, but then we had to go to the toilet

- We went to the toilet and on the way back had our picture taken by a group of gays, who I can only presume write a blog and wanted to include some Hyde Park characters. At this point I could pretend I don’t like having my picture taken by random strangers when I’m half naked, but I’ll keep my mouth shut after what happened in the gym last month. Nonetheless I still acted annoyed, because these people don’t read my blog to know I took “discreet” pictures of Rat Boy in the gym, so I can be hypocritical if I want

- Then we left (buying two 99’s with no flakes on the way out) and went to the gym

With all this it was 7pm when we got home so we stayed in having the best night ever in front of the TV. Work was at least 38 hours away.

On Sunday, I stayed at home all morning still quite relaxed (work at least 23 hours away) waiting for LM and RS to finish from the gym so we could go to the park again. When they arrived it looked like I was being attacked by a gay army, thanks to a combination of shorts, sunglasses and muscles. Of course I took the piss out of them because I am so butch and masculine and in no way do I look gay like them.

Then we went to the park and it was quite hot and I wish I had stayed at home. Not to mention that I hadn’t eaten because I was going clubbing (I don’t eat anything for 3 hours before taking my top off in public), so I was starving and grumpy. Here is the picture of the LM and RS in the park – as you can see, they are eating. I wish I was as carefree as that.

Around 3pm RS and I left to go to the club (Fire in Vauxhall). It really wasn’t the best weather to go and shut yourself in a sweaty nightclub, but I went because a) RS was desperate to go after not having been out for a couple of months and I’m such a good friend and b) I had agreed to review the club for website I’m not gonna write about the club here, I will post the link for the online review when it goes up on scene-OUT later in the week. I should say, if it goes up actually, who knows, maybe my career as a club reviewer will end before it’s even started.

Then I went home and stayed in all evening, now seriously fretting about the working week ahead. The last time I checked the clock it was about 2.30am and I still hadn’t slept.

Friday, 13 April 2007

Friday 13/04/07

So here are the results of the survey. In the end I managed to scrape together 30 entries (out of 150-200 people who read this every day) which I suppose is fair enough – I don’t expect my readers to be any less lazy then I am. I have worked percentages for all the answers to make it easier to understand. I’ve put together some charts and some comments which you can see below.

In terms of demographics, this is a heavily male audience (97% of respondents were dudes). Also, everyone in the world seems to be gay (87% were gay, 10% straight and 1 person claimed to be “ambiguous” – you know who you are).

How would you describe the blog?

93% said the blog is funny – you’re very kind thank you very much. Maybe you’re laughing at me instead of with me, but I’m happy with that, you know? I can’t be picky. I’m a bit disappointed only 10% found it depressing – I’ve told you people melancholy is a good state of mind. Special mention goes to the person who chose all the adjectives and left the comment “all of them – the rantings of a schizo”

What would you like to see more of?

Fine, I get it, nobody wants to read all the ramblings without a few pictures inserted here and there. Surprisingly only 60% claim they want to see more naked people, when one of my most successful blogs ever was the one with the guy in the swimming pool and his arse hanging out. Obviously you don’t know what you want, but I do, so bums will continue to feature prominently.

Which was your favourite story?

Here the audience is split, but Ratboy and Partner have the edge with 27%. I don’t blame you really, I totally understand the obsession. I have to reveal something at this point – I had a dream about Rat Boy the other night. I was on holiday with him and his Partner and I was trying to shag him and he wouldn’t let me. Then I woke up and went and had a wank over him, so I guess I win. Ha.

Apart from Rat Boy there is an equal split between people who like to see me:

a) Get fat (the doughnut obsession)
b) Get messed about by massive gay-targeting corporations (the Abercrombie fiasco)
c) Go out and pass out on dirty nightclub floors (clubbing stories)
d) Get paralyzed and spend 3 months in hospital (death by Guillain Barre Syndrome)

Right, I’m gonna leave it here for now, tomorrow I’m going to the Park so I’ll try to take some pictures of semi naked people sunning themselves and on Sunday I’m going clubbing, so I’ll try to take some pictures of semi naked people trashing themselves. Finally, here’s a picture of me eating a doughnut in Tesco, which should satisfy the most demanding readers. (Apologies for censoring my face – I have to maintain the anonymity obviously).

Thursday, 12 April 2007

Thursday 12/04/07

Regular readers may remember the Sandwich People who come round the office and try to sell highly processed food to us. In the last few days, they hadn’t graced us with their presence, so during a quiet moment I decided to go and have a friendly chat with our receptionist (who knows the ins and outs of the office) and get to the bottom of this. I found out the following facts:

- Up to 10 people buy the sandwiches every day. Mostly from Accounts (proletarians) and Financial (ultra-boring / dare not leave the office)

- Sometimes, nobody buys them

- At the moment there is a Sandwich Girl distributing (instead of the regular Sandwich Guy II), but she speaks no English at all, that’s why she doesn’t come round to advertise by shouting “Sandwiches here” across the office

- The Sandwich Girl is “very very short”

- Sandwich Staff get paid on commission. They get 20% of what they sell. If they sell nothing they get fuck all. This must explain why they all look so pathetic and behave like humble peasants – they are tortured and poor

- There is a very high staff turnover as a result. “They are in and out” the receptionist confined in me

- The receptionist’s favourite was Sandwich Guy II, who left her a free cake each time he came in

Of course, like a good researcher I went back to my desk and briefed Pam and DM on the Sandwich Situation immediately (via email). DM made the following comment on Sandwich Girl:
“Speaks no English at all, is extremely short and sells sandwiches…now I really must see this girl”

…which of course prompted me to search on google for a potential image and I quickly came up with this, which I forwarded to DM and Pam.

Straight after and cracked up by my own joke, I ran to the toilet where I spent the next 5 minutes laughing. I don’t know, I guess you had to be there or something.

The office fun didn’t stop there though. As you may know, we’re expecting very warm weather here in London over the weekend. Possibly around 24 degrees. This probably means that there will be a sunny spell of about 2 minutes and then a chilling breeze will kick in, but nonetheless we can all hope. Inspired by this, my friend Matty (remember? ¼ of The Lads) sent an email inviting us all to Regents Park on Saturday for a kickabout and whatever else people do in parks anyway.

I said that seemed like a great idea, but can we go to Hyde Park instead, which is literally 15 seconds walk from my house. (Can I point out – this was a group email conversation between me, Matty, Ace, Mean aka The Lads and Matty’s girlfriend). At that point, Ace butted in and said that no, we have to go to Regents Park instead which is nicer (bollocks) and also almost as near to his house as Hyde Park is to mine.

This statement is obviously obscene and completely inaccurate, as Ace lives right next to Euston station (east side) which is at least 7 times further from Regents Park than my house to Hyde Park. Also, his statement makes it sound like his flat is in a lovely green area next to Regents Park, which is a complete lie, as he lives in a derelict street (remember – right next to Euston station, the garbage can of central London) which is graced by strip clubs (no kidding), takeaway shops and heavy traffic. And I’d rather go to Hyde Park on my won, than Brothel Street with The Lads.

So in response, I sent this email: “I'm afraid I can't make it. Enjoy”. I think I’ve won in the pettiness stakes hands down. As you can see it was a great day in the office.

And finally, if you feel like supporting the Arts, go on the following website and vote for Dean Babbage’s poster entry to win. But don’t vote for anyone else, cause I don’t know the other people and we don’t care about their art.

Wednesday, 11 April 2007

Wednesday 11/04/07

Firstly I have to mention another couple of stories from back home, as I have a huge backlog and I don't want to waste them. On Monday night (my last night there) I met up with my friend AC. AC is my oldest friend – we went to secondary school together, so I've known him for 14 years. We were a bit pathetic back then (more so than now), so we spent our teenage years obsessing about Britpop bands, learning the words to Gene b-sides, going to the very infrequent gigs that happened in Athens, and reading the NME religiously. Of course we thought we were cool, but we were just the weird kid in the corner wearing a band t-shirt and not pulling any girls (or boys). Through all this, we bonded.

Anyway, AC lives in Athens with his girlfriend now and works at a very big consultancy, which you will have heard of if you are involved in that sort of thing. The problem is AC seems to be going through the same mid-life crisis (or is it belayed teenage angst?) that all 20-somethings that I know seem to at the moment. I.e. he doesn't know what to do with his life, he can't imagine spending the following 40 years of his life working in an office, that sort if thing. The conclusion is that everyone seems to be thinking like that right now, whether they live in London, Athens, or wherever. So if you're sat at your desk thinking of new ways to put an end to your sad work-dominated existence, well at least you're not alone. If you are actually thinking like that, please listen to the song Bow Down by The Housemartins, or at least google and read the lyrics – I think you might relate.

Speaking of work, I was back today after the Easter break. It was a bit of a pointless day since the server was down and we had no access to email, the internet or any of the actual online folders where we keep our work, so there was a lot of err…not doing much. A few good things happened though:

- At lunchtime I went to Gucci and bought some expensive by vital white trainers, which will compliment my newly-conceived summer uniform of short white shorts, white socks and white trainers (it looks better than it sounds)

- During a toilet break I spotted somebody in a the outdoor swimming pool, who was swimming up and down nice and carefree with his shorts having slipped down to reveal his whole bum. He didn’t seem to mind and didn’t bother to pull them up for the 8 lengths that I watched him, so I decided to take a few pictures and share this with the world. Please see below – I apologise for the poor quality but think that I was taking them from a very tall building and only through a mobile phone camera. I quite like this guy – so free-spirited

Finally will you please go and fill my survey? I’m copying it again below. Email me results at, it will only take 2 minutes – don’t be lazy.

Q1. How often do you read this blog?
a. Every day or more
b. Ever 2 or 3 days
c. Once a week
d. Less often
e. This is the first time I’ve read it
Q2. Thinking about the stories and the tone of this blog, which of these words do you think apply? Please answer Yes or No to each word:
a. Funny
b. Informative
c. Witty
d. Depressing
e. Perceptive
f. Boring
g. Self-absorbed
h. Arrogant
i. Self-deprecating
Q3. Thinking about this blog overall (content, tone, style) how would you rate it? Please use a scale from 1 to 10, with 1 being Really Bad and 10 being Excellent.

Q4. What would like to see more of in the blog? (You can choose multiple answers)

a. Pictures of people
b. Pictures of naked people
c. Pictures of doughnuts
d. Pictures of things
e. No more pictures, just text

Q5. Thinking back since you started reading this blog, what has your favourite story been? (Please choose one)
a. Rat Boy & Partner
b. The Abercrombie fiasco
c. Doughnut obsession
d. Clubbing stories
e. Suicide attempts
f. Death by Guillain Barre Syndrome
DEM1. How old are you?
DEM2. Are you male or female?
DEM3. Are you g8y or straight?
DEM4. Which country do you live in?
Once again, email is

Thursday, 5 April 2007

Thursday 05/04/07

As I mentioned yesterday, here is the survey. Having worked in research for 3 years now, finally here’s my chance to write a questionnaire on a topic I have an interest in. Please send the answers either by leaving a comment with them (I will NOT publish that – all my comments need approval before going online, so I will just take the answers and delete them), or preferably email me here: Once again, you don’t have to worry; I will not publish your answers with your name or anything, so feel free to take part. And I won’t use your email for anything else of course, but if you’re freaked out about anonymity etc, just do it through the comments.


Q1. How often do you read this blog?

a. Every day or more
b. Ever 2 or 3 days
c. Once a week
d. Less often
e. This is the first time I’ve read it

Q2. Thinking about the stories and the tone of this blog, which of these words do you think apply? Please answer Yes or No to each word:

a. Funny
b. Informative
c. Witty
d. Depressing
e. Perceptive
f. Boring
g. Self-absorbed
h. Arrogant
i. Self-deprecating

Q3. Thinking about this blog overall (content, tone, style) how would you rate it? Please use a scale from 1 to 10, with 1 being Really Bad and 10 being Excellent.

Q4. What would like to see more of in the blog? (You can choose multiple answers)

a. Pictures of people
b. Pictures of naked people
c. Pictures of doughnuts
d. Pictures of things
e. No more pictures, just text

Q5. Thinking back since you started reading this blog, what has your favourite story been? (Please choose one)

a. Rat Boy & Partner
b. The Abercrombie fiasco
c. Doughnut obsession
d. Clubbing stories
e. Suicide attempts
f. Death by Guillain Barre Syndrome

DEM1. How old are you?
DEM2. Are you male or female?
DEM3. Are you g8y or straight?
DEM4. Which country do you live in?

Once again, email is

Wednesday, 4 April 2007

Wednesday 04/04/07

I’m still feeling sick and my throat hurts and generally I can’t wait for the Easter break. I’m going home for 5 days and obviously I will be ready to come back 6 minutes after I arrive, but at the moment I still want to go. I want to try and convince my dad to pass me on the inheritance now that I’m still young, so I can stop working and live off that. What the point of waiting until they die first? I’ll be old then and I will probably have my own money anyway. But I think he’s a bit miserable and he won’t go for it. My mum would if it was up to her.

After lunch at work I was feeling pretty bloated (I went to Tesco and bought 500ml of chocolate milk that I could have done without), so I went in the toilet for some fresh air (through the window) and a wash. I also took a picture of my stomach while I was in there to show to Pam and DM and get some (fat) sympathy. This is the result.

After seeing this tragic loss of definition, I decided to eat some chocolate in order to make myself feel better. This might be a vicious circle that I don’t want to get into, but I guess it’s too late. From now on my life will have to follow this pattern:

Feeling stressed for being fat ---> Comfort eating ---> Stressing a bit more ---> Eating to feel better ---> Etc

Seeing that I’m traveling on Friday (and Tuesday) I also went out at lunchtime to buy reading material. I bought a combination of trashy reads (which I can get out when everyone else is asleep on the plane) and high literature (which I can hold whilst walking around the airport). ore specifically: Arena Homme Plus, NME, Heat and The Castle by Franz Kafka.

There are few things that I like more than traveling on my own. It gives me the opportunity to do the following things, which I love:

a) Read loads
b) Not talk to anyone
c) Look at people (and not talk to them)
d) (When I’m traveling to Athens) Be surrounded by Greek people who don’t necessarily think I’m Greek so they talk about everything around me and they don’t think I understand.

Finally, I got an email on Monday from a guy who works for a website ( and having read my blog, he asked me if I would like to write club reviews for them. There’s no financial reward but you get guestlist +1 for the club you want to go to and then basically you have to write about it. So I thought, why not, I’ll go for that. I’ll attempt to do it next time I go out after Easter.

Oh yeah and as I will probably not be able to post for a couple of days while I’m Athens I had an idea for my blog tomorrow (before I go away). I’m going to put a survey up (nothing too long – just 5-6 questions) to find out a) more about the people reading this and b) what you think about it. So come back tomorrow when I will post the questions and you can email me or send a comment with the answers (I won’t publish the comments with names, don’t worry, I will just get the answers and delete them).

You will have a few days to send responses and then when I’m back on Tuesday I will run some analysis / statistics / charts on it. This may not sound like much fun to you, but it excites me no end. Hopefully more than 2 people will answer.

Tuesday, 3 April 2007

Tuesday 03/04/07

On Monday I stayed home from work cause I was still quite sick. I also tried seeing the doctor but I hadn’t registered with them before, so instead I was only able to do that when I went over. The whole trip to the doctor did waste approximately 1 hour of potential TV viewing, but I had the rest of the day to make up.

Thankfully, this fantastic straight-to-DVD tween movie was on, which was just about what I could handle at the time. I really have no patience for films, especially serious ones, and if I ever attempt to watch one it will be invariably something ridiculous and light-hearted. Also I can never sit there and watch a movie all the way through, so I never know what happens in the end. Of anything.

So anyway, back to yesterday’s movie. It starred Hilary Duff as the breezy but level-headed teenager whose mum’s (Heather Locklear) quest for love and consequent dating of inappropriate guys makes her squirm. Hilary Duff was also keeping a blog in the film, which – embarrassingly – made me empathise and think: “Oh my God, I AM Hilary Duff”. Incidentally, I did check my temperature when I started having these thoughts and regrettably it was normal, so no excuse there. I have to also add that Heather Locklear was a pastry chef, and I sat there thinking, that sounds like a good career move. But then I thought, where do I start with that, so I gave up. She made very nice cakes though. You know your life has taken the wrong turn when you want to be Heather Locklear in The Perfect Man. This was all very good, but eventually I lost interest and I went on the internet, so I never found out whether Hilary managed to set her mum up with the perfect man or not (but I can have a guess).

Back to work today (even though I spent the best part of the morning coughing in Pam’s face) where we found out that there is a new guy starting next week. So Pam, DM and I decided to have a competition and see who can predict more accurately what he looks like. The winner gets a treat. My treat would be a chocolate milkshake, Pam’s some chocolate digestives and DM’s a sandwich from the Sandwich Guy II. We have until Thursday to submit our entries, but I was quite confident today and sent in my description already. This is it:

Height: 6’1’’

Hair: Relatively light brown

Eyes: Dull, English blue

Face: Clean, round, slightly chubby. No glasses. He peaked when he was a baby in terms of looks. Looks a young 32

Body: You wouldn’t call him fat, but married life and office work have taken their toll. Generally “big boned”. His weakness are his wide hips (i.e. he has a fat a3se), which stretch his trousers a bit

Other: Obviously style-less but not scruffy at HT (that’s a guy at work) levels. Bad belt. Prone to wear short sleeved shirts when it’s warmer.

I have a very clear idea in my head of what the guy will look like, and I really hope this particular person will walk in next week. We’ll see.

After work I went to the gym for the first time since Friday. Since. Friday. I was feeling quite knackered but I thought if I don’t go now, it will be 4 days in a row and if I do that, I might as well start eating disgusting things like bread and lock myself away in my house until I’m so fat I can’t get out and then they will start sending TV crews around and I will die immobile on my bed cause I can’t get through the door frame.

Rat Boy and Partner were there (they made a comeback last week after a few days off) and I have to say they are annoying me quite a bit. I think I can’t handle this straight guy bravado, where you always have to keep a front up so that your mates won’t think that you’re weak or effeminate or have sensitivities, etc, cause they might start taking the piss. And Rat Boy and Partner embody that, with their motivational jives / “I can lift heavier weights than you” / “who’s got the biggest cock” attitude. Anyway, maybe they’re happy like that and I’m just a lame geeky guy who got picked on at school.