Saturday, 31 March 2007

Saturday 31/03/07

On Saturday, during our weekly food shopping I came across the Krispy Kreme display in Tesco. I am definitely obsessing over doughnuts recently, so I thought what better way to get over that, than stand there, take pictures of them, come home, and analyse each one of them. The thing is I have realized I don’t even like doughnuts that much. Every time I’m halfway eating one I start thinking that it really wasn’t worth it and I feel completely unsatisfied. Then I finish it off.

I guess doughnuts and I have a love / indifference relationship. I try to act cool and look bored when I see them, but they always catch my attention. Then I have one and I get bored of them for real.

So – in the picture above:

Exhibit 1: Original Glazed: Truly bland. What the fuck is that all about? And where is the chocolate? Cost less than all the rest (95p vs. at least £1.20) but still ridiculously overpriced. Inexplicably popular, they occupy 4 trays in the display, including prestigious spot in bottom left corner (see Exhibit 5), in order to attract passing fat kids.

Exhibit 2: Chocolate Iced With Sprinkles: I don’t know what green sprinkles are made of, but I’m not putting them in my mouth. This doughnut looks like it’s tried too hard.

Exhibit 3: Chocolate Iced With Cream Flavour Filling: Sadly my favourites (within this context of course). The cream filling tastes like you’re polishing your teeth with pure sugar. Not enough chocolate.

Exhibit 4: Glazed Chocolate Cake. Highest chocolate content, but surprisingly dry. Just in case we weren’t content with that, covered with melted, re-solidified sugar. Looks better than it tastes.

Arrow: Look how much the Chocolate Dreamcake costs. £1.35!!! Do remember, you can buy 4 chocolate bars for the same price.

Anyway, that’s all for now, this was obviously a one-off doughnut related post. I’m going clubbing tonight, so tomorrow you can expect the usual surreal stories infused with incoherent text messages I’ve been sending to RS or other people during the night.
Oh yeah and finally, to the person who left the following comment to Friday's blog:
"I'm afraid when you have numerous pictures of yourself online in various states of undress you are bound to receive some odd messages. Why are you surprised?"
I have the following points to make:
a) How do you know I have numerous pictures in states of undress on myspace? This is an anonymous blog, not linked to a myspace profile
b) I never said that I am surprised to receive odd messages - merely amused
c) Even if I do have shirtless pictures on my profile, why should this invite weird messages? That's like saying girls who wear mini skirts deserve to be raped. Also the pictures I may have on myspace are all decent. Nothing you wouldn't see on a beach in the summertime. I don't have my arse hanging out in any of them or anything like that
d) When you leave a comment next, please don't make it anonymous. If you think you know who I am on myspace, it's only fair that you comment on my blog with a name or at least a nickname

Friday 31/03/07

Firstly, let me just show you a message I got on myspace yesterday. This is quite representative of the messages I get in terms of being completely random and fairly odd. So this guy wrote:

“Hi dude. Just wondered if you're interested in a wrestling club? We've already had a bit of interest. Do you know anyone else into wrestling? Would they be into this? It's based in Bournemouth and we'd be wrestling on the beach after sundown. If that sounds good, let us know.”
I wonder how many people this guy messages and if anyone actually gets back to him. Does this “sound good” to anyone? I don’t know – if it does fair play I guess. But to me, leaving home one day, getting on the train to Bournemouth, getting to the beach for sundown, dropping my clothes, wrestling with some strangers for a bit, then quickly jumping on the train back to London and going to bed, doesn’t seem like a fun day out!

In slightly more normal news today at work, chatting to Pam, I found out that it’s National Cleavage Day in South Africa. Now you may think this is a made up event by lonely straight men giving them an excuse for an extra wank, and you’d probably be right. Pam found this out through a guy who writes a blog in SA and asked her if she would like to submit some self-pictures for inclusion in his online Cleavage Roundup Album. Being game for a laugh (and a closet exhibitionist) Pam wasn’t put off by the idea instantly and indeed suggested to the guy that she also send him a picture of her gay friend’s pecs (that would be me then) in order to appeal to all demographics.

At this point the SA guy made a fatal mistake. He came back with the following comment:

“My pecs are probably bigger than your gay friends ;-) Can he almost fit into a b-Cup? And no I am no a podgy boy”

Cocky straight boys can be very deluded indeed, but we didn’t really have to think of something witty to write back to that, we just sent the following picture instead.

Combined with Pam’s killer weapons (see below), I think this is a battle we can’t lose. London Chests 1 – South African Guy 0

After work and after the gym I went straight to my friend Matty’s house. Matty just moved into a new place with his girlfriend K and our other friend Ace. And not only that but Mean also came to hang out with us tonight. Collectively, Matty, Ace, Mean and I are The Lads. The Lads have been my friends since I moved to London years ago and obviously they’ve known me before I came out / started being a bit of a freak / lost control of my life. So they have a more accurate and grounded perception of what I’m like and I think it’s fair to say that I love them. Activities tonight included:

- Eating (I brought my own chicken, they got takeaway curry)

- Drinking (Matty made hot chocolate for everyone and spiked mine with a tiny bit of Baileys)

- Spoiling (Ugly Betty was on TV and I spoilt it for K by telling her what’s gonna happen next cause I’ve downloaded all the episodes from the internet)

- Playing (We played Trivial Pursuit using a simple method. Whoever answered a question right kept the card - whoever had the more cards won. At that point I got enormously excited because I love competitive games, especially involving demonstrating knowledge. However, and I hate to admit this, I had no chance because all these guys are a lot smarter than me. But maybe that’s why I like them so much though you know. So anyway, at the point where I had 1 card, Matty had 2, Mean had about 6 and Ace about 7, I started stealing Mean’s cards. He didn’t notice and I ended up with 4. In the end we had a lightning round and even though one of the questions involved Greece, I still lost).

The conclusion is I went there and sat with my 3 straight mates talking and laughing and I had a great time, and it was miles away from how I usually spend a good night out: passing out on a nightclub floor surrounded by hundreds of half naked gay acquaintances. And I’m kinda glad I have both worlds.

Thursday, 29 March 2007

Thursday 29/03/07

Last night I was walking past the Krispy Kreme shop on the way to the gym and I saw this. They have a new doughnut called Chocolate Dreamcake (yes Dreamcake – one word).

Obviously I’m only human and I can’t resist something that that is described as “filled with thick chocolate, topped with chocolate icing and finished off with white and dark chocolate curls” on the Krispy Kreme website (where I spend a substantial amount of time today). So I thought what better time to have this than right now, just before going to the gym. Well sadly, they had run out of them. It turns out that everything I want to buy just sells out immediately, before I even get there. This leads me to think that there is a small group of people out there, who are very similar to me. The go to H&M and buy the jumpers I want, then go and binge on Krispy Kremes, etc. They just have their finger on the pulse a bit more and get there before I do. Well the second best thing after eating a doughnut is looking at a doughnut so I had to make do with taking a picture (of the picture) of the doughnut.

Things worked out very favourably though, because today at lunchtime I made my way to Tesco (they sell Krispy Kremes there you know), not only to find that they had an abundance of Chocolate Dreamcakes, but also that I could purchase one at the self-service till and only pay 23p for it (scanning it as a humble jam doughnut instead of an overpriced Krispy Kreme one - £1.30). Now two hours later my stomach still hurts; it was just way too indulgent and I will not be having any more.

Anyway, at the gym yesterday an old acquaintance of mine, Rat Boy, was conspicuous by his absence. Him and his Partner haven’t been there for at least a week. What could have driven them away? Did they get tired of working out? Was it just a fad? Have they got new jobs in Zone 6 and don’t come to London anymore? Maybe I’ll never know. It’s a shame though, as R Boy and Partner had started diversifying their workout beyond bicep curls and even got near the leg machines a couple of times. Oh well.

When I went home I started watching my ebay auction of that hideous wrestling suit, which seemed to be stuck at £11.50 for the last 3 days. Then I went and watched Frasier for a bit, and by the time I came back it had finished and it had jumped up to £28!!! That’s not bad for a second hand piece of green lycra is it? The lucky winner resides in France, where I guess used wrestling costumes may have higher prestige.

I had a total of 17 questions on ebay about this auction you know, with approximately 68% of those being variations of “am I willing to sell anything else apart from the suit, i.e. myself”. Now seriously, how desperate do you need to be to proposition some random guy on ebay, whose face you can’t even see? Do they not have rent boys where these people live? I really didn’t think of ebay as a website that people cruise for sex. I was mistaken.

Also thanks to the people who messaged me or commented about their location – it helped explain the map a bit. I still want some more exposure in:

- South America (there’s only one reader there at the moment apparently)
- The whole of Asia (I hear quite a few people live there these days)
- Africa apart from South Africa
- And why not – I want to have a reader in Norway. No Scandinavians yet.

If you know any people in the countries above, can you please send them the link to the blog? I want some tracks. You might get a reward if you do and it won’t be a second hand sports fetish item, I promise.

Oh yeah and finally, there is a picture of a couple of mates and me from clubbing in this week’s Boyz magazine, which is out today, but I can’t tell you any more about this obviously, because this blog is anonymous. Take your pick about who I am.

Wednesday, 28 March 2007

Wednesday 28/03/07

After having an amazing and fun-packed Monday off, I went back to work on Tuesday, which didn’t seem too bad. Tuesday was overall uneventful, but that is not to say completely wasted. I made a decision of vital importance (not), which was to stop eating any fruit apart from bananas. Any fool knows that most fruit has high levels of acid and it ruins your teeth – and in the last few months I had slipped and was eating oranges, apples, etc. My main problem with that is that I’ve had my teeth whitened twice now (once in 2001 and once in 2004) and basically it’s a few hundred quid every time and if you start eating crap like fruit, coffee, curry (any coloured or acidic food basically) you might as well not waste your money on teeth whitening cause you’re working against it. And as I’m having it done again in April, it’s back to white food for me. And yes, to save anyone from pointing it out, I know this makes me sound vain / insecure / mental / the worst person in the world / whatever. So where was I? Oh yes, I went to Tesco at lunchtime and bought some bananas.

On Tuesday night I had hardly any sleep at all, due to several nighttime incidents, which I’m not going to get into, but they involved getting up several times, changing the bedsheets, taking lots of sleeping pills and despairing.

Because of this, on Wednesday lunchtime I was very tired and only had the power to drag myself to H&M quickly and see if they had brought in more sizes of the cricket jumper I’m currently obsessing about. Having asked 3 useless assistants it emerged that no, they hadn’t, so I made them undress the mannequin and see what size he/she/it was wearing. It was a Medium. Getting increasingly desperate I tried that on, but obviously it was no good. I have to point out to anyone that doesn’t know me, that I am much smaller than I look in my pictures.

Anyway, in more positive news the ebay Wrestling costume auction ends tonight and there are quite a few bids on it so far. Granted, £10.50 isn’t going to change my life but why not have it anyway. To drive the price up to such incredible scales I had to answer a variety of half-mental questions, like “do I have any pictures of me wrestling in it”, “which university did I go to, did I wrestle at university and what did the rest of the wrestling team look like”, etc. The secret is to indulge everyone and never dismiss them. If you’re kind and suggestive enough, they will bid. Here is a favourite exchange between a potential buyer and me, but I think he went a bit too far:

Buyer: “can you travel to deliver? I am hoping we can come to payment arrangement”

Note: I checked his ebay account and the guy lives in Lincolnshire.

Me: “No I'm afraid I can't travel to Lincolnshire for 2.5 hours on the train at a cost of around £55, in order to collect £8 for delivering a used wrestling uniform. It was a good suggestion though.”

Buyer: “I could pay you fare and more...”

Me: “I think you are mistaking me for a hooker”

And here’s the link one last time – results tomorrow.

Moving on – you may have noticed that I’ve added a map on my blog page, which shows where all my readers come from. I actually think that’s pretty amazing – I understand the majority of the audience living in London, but can anyone answer the following questions:

- Why do I have such big traffic in Florida and what I can only guess is Atlanta?
- And why hasn’t a single Asian person read my blog, hmmm?
- And finally, which is that country in central Europe that keeps coming back?

That’s all for now - greetings to the two readers in South Africa.

Saturday, 24 March 2007

Saturday 24/03/07

Saturday has been a very quiet, non-eventful day, where nothing happened. This is my favourite kind of day. Ideally I wouldn’t have left the house at all, but LM and I had to do the weekly food shopping and go to the gym.

I was trying to arrange to meet RS at the gym for some banter between exercises, but he had a “date” so he couldn’t make it at the same time in the end. Obviously RS is a great guy and it’s very good hanging out with him, but it’s even better with him being single, as I can live my single life vicariously through him. So when I go out obviously I’m not looking to meet anyone for myself, but when I’m with RS we get the opportunity to observe and talk about other people and their potential as boyfriends. Or even as shags to be honest. Most of the time I realize I’m not missing out on anything by being in a relationship, as I really don’t think I could be bothered with the whole dating game. As I mentioned before most of the time I don’t even want to leave the house. I guess I would have to invite all the potential dates over and that would involve cleaning and tidying the house on a very regular basis.

After the gym LM and I went to H&M to admire my cricket jumper a bit more and I even asked them whether I could order a size Small but apparently you can’t do that. I have to keep checking in to see if they’ve brought any - I suppose that’s fine, it’s not like I have anything better to do with my lunch break. And it’s only £20, which I find shocking. Actually a friend who read the blog yesterday messaged me to say that he’s already bought this jumper in a size Medium and no, I can’t have it. Yeah OK thanks Nelson, I don’t need your fatboy Medium – if you had it in Small I wouldn’t be here typing this right now, I’d be around your house with a wad of cash knocking on the door.

Oh yeah – something I forgot to mention yesterday – the ebay auction of the wrestling err…bodysuit. Here is the link again (I can’t miss this opportunity to push it a bit more on here):

You will notice that it’s not going horribly wrong, there are 6 bids already which have driven the price up to the dizzy heights of £8! £8 will actually pay 1/113th of my monthly rent. So you could say we’re getting there. The most worrying part of it all is the questions I have been getting about it though. Here’s an example, so if you’ve just eaten stop reading here. I’m copying and pasting an exchange between a “potential buyer” and me.

Potential buyer: Does it cum with any extras?

Obviously I’m not going to shy away from playing along, so I wrote back:

Me: It cums with any extras you want for a good bid

Potential buyer: Do you have more pics how much for cum

At this point I thought, well, we’ll see who the biggest freak is, me or him, so I said:

Me: For what you’re asking it would have to be £50

Not So Potential Buyer Anymore: For £50 i would want a blow-job

So I messaged back the following, cause he pissed me off:

Me: In that case you should probably message other people on ebay to cum on clothes and send them to you, so you can get your kicks. Or maybe you can get out there and meet somebody in real life, how about that?

He hasn’t replied to that yet, but somehow I think I have lost this sale…I will keep you up to date with what he says though.

Right – my sofa is calling now, so I’ll leave it here.

Friday 23/03/07

Another good day in the office, especially funny when Sandwich Guy II turned up, said his line (“Sandwiches here”) and left with his dignity intact. And everyone in the office who has read the blog from yesterday started laughing. Well that’s me, Pam and DM then.
We got paid today, so my bank balance looks deceptively inflated. It will stay like that until the 1st of April when all the bills and rent come out and then I will have nothing. But there’s an extra bonus this month – my annual season ticket expires in 10 days, so I have to buy a new one. And that’s £928! So with all this in mind, I thought what better time to go clothes shopping at lunchtime.

I have to say everyone working in shops around the area where I work must be sick of me, as I go in every lunchtime, manhandle the clothes, inevitably ask for a size Small (which they don’t have) and leave. Why is it that size Small in everything sells out first and they’re left with 5 XL items, which will invariably end up on the sales rack? Either fat people don’t buy clothes or merchandise buyers always get it wrong.

Anyway, I actually wanted to buy something today, just for the sake of it. So I tried things on in Diesel, Energie and Urban Outfitters, but ended up in H&M – where I found the most perfect jumper ever, jumper ever, which you can see in the picture below. I had to take a picture because they only had it on XL of course and I need to go to a different branch of H&M and show them what I want.

I was so enthusiastic about this, that when I got back in the office I sent the picture to Mean so we can admire it together. Well unexpectedly, Mean said that there are 2 categories of people who wear cricket jumpers: a) people who play cricket and b) tw*ts. At that point I had to point out to Mean that there are actually 3 categories: a) people who play cricket b) tw*ts and c) me (i.e. somebody who has created a mixture of upper-clash Britain and sporty America, without being upper class, British, sporty or American). Mean conceded my point.

After work and before the gym I went to a different H&M. I was very lucky of course, because they did have a different size there – oh wait, it was just a Large. I didn’t let that ruin my mood though and I bought some pyjama bottoms instead. I don’t know for what use, as I don’t wear pyjama bottoms but they looked very nice and stripy.

At the gym I met RS. RS is one of my best friends in London, try to remember him – we almost always go out together, and the few times he’s not there it’s no fun. There was little time for chat though as I had to hurry up and meet NS for dinner.

Conveniently, both NS and I turned up about 45 minutes later than we had originally arranged to meet (him because he was busy with work, me because I never intend to be late, I honestly don’t, but it happens). So we had identical non-carb dinner and chatted and then RS joined us and we went to this bar called The Box. If you enter the Box on a Friday night you see about 25 people you know from clubbing instantly, but you have a little trouble recognizing them, because this time they’re wearing they’re shirts. I managed to look at the floor and not talk to anyone, which was nice and then after about 45 minutes we left.

I think I need to stop typing this now, because (thanks to something NS kindly offered me) I feel slightly wired and I might start chewing the keyboard if I don’t. Oh yeah, very importantly just before I got home I bought a chocolate waffle which is my equivalent of buying a kebab on the way home whilst drunk – i.e. it’s enjoyable for a few moments, but I’ve already regretted it. And I can’t even go and make myself sick because I’ve also taken a testosterone tablet and I wouldn’t want to lose that. I guess I will have to be fat. Actually, I read somewhere that food is processed into fat by your body 48 hours after you’ve eaten it, which means this chocolate waffle will turn me fat exactly as I turn up at the club I’m going to on Sunday night. Oh well.
PS. Point taken about the layout of the blog being too simple, I will try add colour etc as I learn how to use this site.