GONE
Monday, 29 June 2009
Friday, 26 June 2009
Friday 26/06/09
On Thursday afternoon, well my afternoon, somebody else’s morning I guess, I’m emailing Tom and this is an email conversation that goes like this.
Tom: ___ has a new boyfriend. I’m actually in friend-love with the boyfriend. He and I are quite similar and have hit it off entirely. He’s been telling me all about Human Growth Hormone. Apart from the side-effects including a changed appearance due to abnormalities of jaw structure (more specifically protruding jaw, because it thickens your facial bones), he highly recommends it.
Me: I want Human Growth Hormone too. And I think I can take the chin enlargement too, I’ve decided my face allows for it.
Tom: Why am I not surprised you assessed your face with Human Growth Hormone in mind.
Me: Because you’ve heard it all before. Speaking of face alterations, do you know (in your professional capacity as a lawyer I guess) how I can get some more facial hair? I need some stubble. I’M NEARLY 30.
Tom: You don’t actually want more facial hair, trust me. Just cling to your youthful gayface.
Me: Stupid gayface [insert frowny]
Tom: It’s not that gay really. Your general expression is actually quite perplexing. It has no discernable emotion. It’s quite devoid of anything, in a blank way. (I’m sure you’ll take that as a compliment so I won’t try and make it sound nicer)
Me: I love you
_______________________________
On Wednesday morning, well my morning, somebody else’s February, I’m emailing A Boy and this is an email conversation that goes like this.
Me: I’m researching locations for going away on my own and doing some writing. It will need to be lonely, grim and depressing. Do you have any recommendations?
A Boy: Yes, ___. It is beautiful and quiet, but it is also within easy reach of Town A and Town B should the seclusion become too much
Me: I do like that. I have a fascination with lakes. On the same topic, what drugs should I write on? Is opium still du jour?
A Boy: I think for your own particular brand of writing you should use speed.
_________________
On Friday evening, well my evening, somebody else’s evening too, I’m emailing A Girl and this is an email conversation that goes like this.
Me: I am meeting a stranger at 2030, who wants to give me a free massage, because he’s studying to be a physiotherapist and wants to “get some experience”. I met this person on a website called ___. Today. I’m not sure this is safe, but I feel like I have to do these things, otherwise I will get bored. Good idea rating please.
A Girl: -13
I have sent the same email to A Boy and A Boy replies.
A Boy: You’re not actually expecting a ‘massage’, are you?
Me: I’ve messaged him 3 times to confirm this is a non-homicidal offer. Do we want to see pictures of this person?
A Boy: No no no. I do not wish to stare into the face of evil.
Me: You may have to act as a witness in the future.
A Boy: But it would be at the expense of a sound night’s sleep this evening. Plus I’m busy that day.
Me: I knew you’ve always wanted me dead, A Boy.
A Boy: But you are already spiritually and emotionally dead, this is why I like you. Whether your heart still forces blood around your body is of no concern to me.
___________________________
In the early hours of Saturday morning, well my meat, somebody else’s poison, my phone receives a text from A Girl:
“If this phone is found without its rightful owner, please call A Girl at xxxxxxxxxxx immediately. Along with the ___ police; we thank you for your cooperation”
At 0126, A Girl’s phone receives a text:
“I’ve chopped him up bitch. Chopped him up real good and there ain’t nothing you can do about it. The ___ Masseur”
Sunday, 21 June 2009
Sunday 21/06/09
I’m standing outside – what I guess is – a very cool electro straight club and it’s 0330 in the morning and I’m talking to the guy who's sorting out the taxis. And I tell him where I want to go and he quotes me $27 and I say that’s cool. I’m wearing skinny jeans and white plimsolls and a loose cut vest that’s hardly there and I wore this because in a straight club you can’t take your top off but I knew it was gonna get really hot and sweaty so I put this on to stay cool.
Then this group of guys and a girl also comes out of the club and the girl is kinda blonde and trashy and the guys are oh so hip and one of them is wearing green skinny jeans and they’re all wearing 2009 deck shoes and white socks and check shirts and they all look a bit Dazed & Confused, or is it Another Man, I don’t know what the style magazines are called these days.
And the girl is staring at me and kinda looking to make conversation and I chat to her for a bit. Then one of the guys – who’s really drunk at this point – puts on a pair of thick-framed, geeky glasses (following all the fashion rules for the fashion people) and he started talking trying to be amusing but mostly being facetious and he says: are you a cyclist, do you cycle places? This is as witty as he can be at this hour looking like (if we were in London) an East London twat. I look at him llike he’s not not making any sense at all and comment to the girl, who’s more sober, that her friend is very funny although not really. Like you would talk to someone who you’ve built a rapport with when their friend is very drunk.
Then the East London guy pokes me in the chest and says you don’t cycle anywhere, do you, you think you’re too hot to cycle anywhere. Turning aggressive perhaps because I’m wearing a top that shows that I go to the gym and I’m not playing his game. The girl looks blank, like this isn’t happening, I ask him why he’s being rude, even though I know really, I can see the chip on his shoulder from where I’m stood, then they walk off.
Waiting for the taxi still, a different guy and a girl duo walk up to the taxi guy and ask him how much it is to go to ___, the taxi guy quotes them $25, I hear that and ask him why they’re paying $2 less when their destination is further than mine. The guy looks all confused, take a look at his map, his list of destinations, his prices, and apologises for making this mistake. Everyone pretends he’s not making up the prices anyway, then the new guy and girl duo decide to share a taxi, since my place is on the way to theirs.
It turns out that these guys are a brother / sister double act, and they’re nice enough and we spend the 25-minutes journey chatting. During this 25-minute journey the following things happen:
- I take my phone and start playing on facebook
- The sister sees my phone and asks me which guy I’m texting
- I ask the sister why she assumes that I’m gay, is it my outfit or what
- The girl says that no, it’s not my outfit, it’s just that I have too nice a smile and my skin is too good or some one who’s been clubbing for a few hours
- I decide that I’m going to like this girl
- The brother and the sister ask me lots of questions about gay people, but in a nice, non-weird way
- The brother tells me about the time when his friend from home decided to come out when they (all the straight lads) were 16 and they all went to some local gay bar in full support
- I tell the brother and sister the story about the East London gay at the taxi rank
- The brother and sister empathise in the way that only drunk people who’ll never see me again can empathise, i.e. genuinely albeit short-spanned
- The taxi gets to my place and…
- …I pay my share, say thank you to the brother and sister, tell them that they’re lovely, because they are, and you have to tell people good things you think about them and not only bad things
- The brother asks me to tell them that they’re “fabulous” because he expects all gay people to use that word according to the cliché
- I tell the brother and sister that they’re fabulous and…
- …get out
Friday, 19 June 2009
Friday 19/06/09
On Thursday A Girl emails me and sends me a screenshot of her bank balance, a bank balance which includes £335,000 which her parents sent her as a deposit for a flat she’s buying in
“Here’s a picture I’m not going to see ever again, so we better make the most of it”
Her account is £355,980.23 in credit.
A Girl also says: “I went in the bank at lunchtime to cancel a cheque and the clerk who was doing this looked up when my balance came on the screen and said ‘You have a lot of money in your account. Do you know what you’re going to do with it?’”
I says: “What did you tell him?”
A Girl says: “I said, I’m buying a flat”
I says: “Yes, well, I suppose this isn’t a time to be joking…”
A Girl says: “I regret it now though. What a wasted opportunity. If I could go back, I would have said one of the following:
- I’m adopting an orphan baby from Malawi
- I’m hiring someone to murder my possessive boyfriend
- I'm buying a Krispy Kreme shop
- I'm expecting a delivery of ___ from South America
I says: “These are all good, but you could definitely play around with them a bit. I would have said one of the following:
- I'm hiring someone to murder my possessive baby
- I'm expecting a delivery of Krispy Kremes from Malawi
- I'm adopting my orphan boyfriend
- I'm buying South America
Oh, and by the way, I have directed all calls from my mobile phone to your office number, I hope you don’t mind. If the phone rings, can you please answer and tell them I’ve passed away. Whoever it may be. Thank you”
A Girl says: “You don’t really want me to do that do you, because I will”
I says: “You have my full permission”
A Girl says: “OK then. I plan on saying ‘I’m sorry he’s no longer with us, funeral services are being held at 1pm on Monday at St Catherine’s church in Bayswater, thank you for your call’”
I says: “I wouldn’t have it any other way”
Tuesday, 16 June 2009
Saturday, 13 June 2009
Saturday 13/06/09
On Friday A Girl emails me and this is a conversation that goes like this.
A Girl: “Hello old colleague. How’s things?”
Me: “Oh hello there, glad you asked, I’m about to jump out the window. And you?”
A Girl: “Not bad. I’m looking forward to spending the weekend without leaving my flat at all sinking further into depression, no wait, numerous bottles of wine. Crossing the road to the office this morning I wished a motorbike would run me over and you know what, one almost did. It was lime green”
Me: “Well, that sounds better than my day, sorry, life, anyway. By the way, I’m working from home today. I am missing office politics though – I’m about to backstab my housemate’s goldfish via a discreet email, just to feel a bit motivated”
A Girl: “I can’t see that you have any other option at the moment”
Half an hour later I email A Girl.
Me: “By the way, the goldfish is now dead and it has nothing to do with me emailing myself about its salary and how it never does anything and just uses buzz words to seem busy”
A Girl: “You did this, right?”
Me: “Hold on, I just looked over and even though it was floating upside down 2 minutes ago it's now swimming around again”
A Girl: “I'm starting to rethink your ability to work from home, it's clearly driving you to become delusional and this just after one day”
Me: “No, this all happened. I think it was just doing its trick where it floats upside down for a while pretending to be dead for attention”
On Friday A Boy also emails me and this is a conversation that goes like this.
A Boy: “___ has left me a picture comment – ‘Delish as ever’”
Me: “I must remember to say ‘delish’ more often. I’m going to have to ask him whether he fancies you”
A Boy: “You’re only asking that to find out why he doesn’t leave comments on your photos calling you delish”
Me: “He said to me in a club last week that he doesn’t find people with perfect bodies attractive”
A Boy: “Awww. ___ and I have so much in common”
Me: “Yes, a resignation to mediocrity”
A Boy: “Isn’t such brutal determination to not delude oneself to be admired?”
Thursday, 11 June 2009
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